August 26, 2011

10 Most Underrated Disney Movies

Like most children not living under a rock, I have seen many-a Disney movies, many-a times. Yeah, we know the favorites, like Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King. But what about the ones that don't get enough love? Some of them definitely DO NOT get the love and honor they truly deserve (in my opinion obviously, but we know my opinion trumps all anyways).

I could do the overrated movies, but that would just be me hating endlessly on Snow White...because I hate that movie so much it's frowned uponed in most societies. But that's for another day.

These movies are ones that I love to the moon and back, but nobody else seems to. Or, I will find that random person who shares this love and we both get super duper excited but then two minutes later we are in awkward repetition like "Yeah, Quasimodo is so hot...why doesn't anyone agree with us? We're the only sane people in this world!" For the record, I have nor will ever have that conversation.

Sleeping Beauty
I know, Disney CLASSIC, right? Princess Aurora is one of the most famous Disney characters and Prince Philip is a known STUD. However, if you really think about it, Sleeping Beauty is the least popular "princess movie". I say Disney Princess and you say...*yell respective Disney Princess*,
most of the time not Sleeping Beauty. You usually get bullshit like Belle ("she's so smart and pretty") or Cinderella ("classic princess, who wouldn't want that dress"). It's pretty underrated as princess movies go.

"Damn straight"


The story is simple. Hot smokin' babe of a prince Philip finds a young peasant girl in the woods. They have a nice time and decide upon their next rendez-vous. He decided to drop all his royal responsibilty for that girl, HOW ROMANTIC (it's actually a total douche move). However, as luck would have it, the girl is the SAME one he was promised to marry. That is fate, my friends. Philip and Aurora are meant to be. Can you say that about the other princess movies?

No, not really. Snow White has a stalker, Cinderella has a stalker, Ariel IS a stalker, Belle is under house arrest, Jasmine doesn't even WANT a husband, Pocahontas got syphillis (wait, I'm the only one who got that impression?), and Mulan is too kick ass to even need a man.

Just remember that underneath that dress is an ankle bracelet that will
go off if she takes another step.

Of course, it could just be that "Once Upon a Dream" is my absolute favorite Disney song and that Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie, so I'm waving the biased flag here.

This is the "cult" Disney movie. I, of course being the cool Disney hipster I am had the soundtrack on tape (the late 90's were a wonderful time and listened to it BEFORE HERCULES BECAME COOL.


Actually, I still don't think Hercules is considered "cool" in the Disney catalog. It was just ok by critic standards and I don't really know anyone besides a select few who truly love this movie.  It's one of my favorites. It's very pop culture reference-y and the villain is waayyyy cool. My kind of movie.

Historical  innacuries aside, Pocahontas is awesome....scratch that. The historical innacuries and general f-ups of Disney in this movie make it awesome. Some parts are wonderful, "Colors of the Wind" is one of the most powerful songs that the Disney company has come up with.

Yeah, it's  horribly innacurate...but who said it needed to be true? Yeah, little kids now think that Pocahontas was a supermodel who could jump off cliffs and was supposed to marry a man who's name sounds eerily similar to a Beach Boys song.


Plus, only Disney would take a dude who looked like this.

Effeminite looking ginger
And make him look like this.

Sex on wheels

All while being voiced by this guy.

I love Hollywood

That aside, I think people tend to hate on Pocahontas for these very reasons and shun it because they think they should. So sad, because I think it's pretty enjoyable...just don't watch the direct to video sequel. They took historical innacuracies to a whole new level, all while giving John Smith a nice new batch of puns. Barf.

Oliver and Company

This movie makes me cry. Holy shit, I mean it's an orphan hobo cat who has to kick it with a motley crew of dogs. The beginning is actually so depressing I can't even watch it. Something about a cat being the last of his litter and not get picked at all is the most hearbreaking thing in the world to me.

"Bitch, get onnnnnn with it"
Right, I'm supposed to be getting you to actually watch it it. Anyways, this movie is adorable, probably because I have a soft spot for dogs and cats...mostly dogs, but Oliver is so cute. And honestly, if you use Billy Joel as a voice talent you know the songs are going to be on par...with 80's music standards.

The Aristocats

ANOTHER CAT MOVIE? I lied last time, I actually hate cats, but something about this movie just makes me smile. Seriously, even it's title is a pun...and I will tell you now, I love a good pun. You see, they're a sweet little family of cats who live with a rich bitch. So they're spoiled and live propserously, hence the name Aristocats...hehe so great. It's a sweet film that is perfect for little girls (and efeminite boys) who love cats. Though, I do wonder why the kittens father isn't in the picture...

Out of wedlock SLUT

Whorish kitties aside, this film is wonderful. I mean, Thomas O'Malley is so cool...and also a bit of a whore. Damn, this movie has a lot of whoring around....but I promise it's the best.

Robin Hood

WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE LIKE THIS MOVIE? Seriously, why didn't somebody make an adaption of Robin Hood with talking animals before? More importantly, why did they make an adaption with Russell Crowe 45 years later?

Should have stopped at Gladiator, mate
And you know what? Robin Hood is so foxy.


The Emperor's New Groove

You can take the emperor out of the palace but you can't take the llama out of the emperor...wait, this isn't about beastiality? AHHH ZING!

Oh my, I went there.

Childish jokes that weren't well thought out aside, The Emperor's New Groove is one of those "special" Disney movies made in the 2000's that has come and gone without much love. That said, it's the only one that actually deserves some. It's hell. I can't believe I'm saying David Spade is funny. No, just kidding The Benchwarmers and Dicky Robers Former Child Star are two movies I adore, so I'm NOT going to make fun of him.

As much as I desire to.

Peter Pan
So I realize the whole Neverland/Captain Hook thing is pretty popular, what with countless movies about it. Including a terrible one with Johnny Depp THAT ISN'T EVEN ABOUT PETER PAN. Seems Peter Pan is also pretty pop culture-y too AND Michael Jackson named his ranch after there's that. AND Tinkerbell...don't even get me STARTED on Tinkerbell. She's like Fraiser on Cheers...she gets her own show that is more popular than the one she was originally one.

The similarities are uncanny

Seems to me that Peter Pan is overrated...but I must ask you, when was the last time you actually watched it?

"Oh, at about 8:14 P.M"

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Ok, I agree...the songs kind of suck and Frollo is probably the creepiest Disney villain (not in a good way...I think he's a rapist), but Hunchback is so badass. No, it doesn't follow Hugo's original work...seriously, the ending to that is depressing. AND yes,  APPARENTLY Esmerela ends up with the wrong dude.

Who are we kidding? Phoebus gets alllll the bitches

But Hunchback is pretty decent. One does not hear about it much, but it's one of my favorites to watch. Now this may be because I have a fairly large inside joke surrounding this entire film, but I still like it.

One Hundred and One Dalmations
This one is kind of like Peter Pan. Obviously, everyone has seen or heard of this movie. Everyone uses the name Cruella de Vil to describe someone evil (see: The Parent Trap) and everyone knows that Dalmation puppies make SWEET fur coats.

Cruella knows what's up
But again? When was the last time you actually saw this movie? The last time I did was a couple years ago, and before that I was probably five. Granted, it doesn't exactly have a lot going plot wise. It's pretty much a day in the life of the underground railroad...except with dogs, but it's a happy story. BTW, I have to add that I HATE a burning hatred. He almost ruins everything like five times. One would think he could learn from his mistakes, but nooooo.


August 17, 2011

Undercover as a Twilight Fan: My Adventure to Forks, WA

Stephenie Meyer succesfully made the most random town in the entire state a cultural mecca for her Twilight series. It's a weekend effort from my actual house, but a mere hour and a half from my beach house. Therefore, scarily in reach. Though I am a reformed Twilight enthusiast, my mom still thought it would be cool to go.


So I decided to put on my sparkle pants (or whatever the hell kids are wearing these days) and go undercover, pretending to be a Twi-Hard. I like to think myself as the guy who was in a gang in his youth, but cleaned himself up and joined to police force to only get into vice and go undercover in his gang again.

Oh Leo, you seem to show up everywhere, don't cha?
So, naturally I was nervous. But I just had to tell myself to get in the Twilight mindset. The only way to do that is to seperate myself from sanity and become a Twilight fan again. It was brutal, but I'm here today to tell the story of my survival.


The early morning sun hit my eyes as I walked outside the door. I instictivly reached for my sunglasses but then stopped myself.

"You won't be needing those." I thought and laughed bitterly. Forks, the little raincloud of hell that sits on the penninsula of Washington state. Everyone had heard of it sometime or another, but it's not like anyone ever had been there.

Until Twilight.

I cracked open my diet coke and got in the car. I finally relaxed a little as I took the first sip. Like Edward, I crave something that certain something to drink all the time. But unlike Edward I don't make stupid simile's to explain it to a stupid human. It is what it is. He didn't even have to courtesy to use a metaphor.

But I digress.

I looked back at the house with longing. Is this what it means to be a Twilight fan? Leaving every comfort you have for the unkown and strange. My phone was dead, not that I had any service anyways. All I had was my kindle and hopes that I would make it back to my bed safely.

We turned left on the road out of Moclips. To leave we go right. Right, to civilization and phone service. Left, one the other hand (pun intended) was the end of the road. Literally. Nine miles north and you hit the rez. There was nothing after that. Beyond that is, well...beyond me. I panicked for a moment. Was my plan ruined? We were going to a rez...but the wrong one! I couldn't go to Taholah and say I went to La Push. I would have been the ultimate poser.

But then we turned right a little down the road to nowhere. Down the Tsunami evacuation route.  Little did we know that tsunami's would be the least of our fears.

I felt calmer and optimistic as we continued down that little road. This would take us right into Forks. But wait. It was still sunny. Sun = no vampires. They sparkle in the sun, so they can't expose themselves. And isn't that the only reason Twi-hards go to Forks...for the vamps?


"How long until we get there?" I asked my mom ten minutes in.
"An hour and a half." She replied. There was still time.

We travelled on quietly for a while longer until the road grew into two parts.
"That's a big fork in the road." My mother said. I chuckled silently at her surely unitentional pun.

We entered Quinault National Forrest for a quick detour. All of a sudden a huge flash of blue came on my left side. I made a sound that I can only describe as two Wookies having sex.


There's a lake here? It's pretty damn big lake too. This place is actually a outdoor tourist haven. There's a lodge and old people with cameras. Its pretty. That is, until we got behind a person on a bike.

Nothing slows  down traffic like an asshole on a bike. I realized I just pretty much quoted Bella Swan without thinking. I patted myself on the back You are learning well, young padawan, I thought to myself.

We drove along and were stopped again by people holding picket signs out at us. I instantly recognized them as hippies protesting.  The northern depths of the PNW is breeding ground for such people. They were waving cars on and stopping them randomly. Crazy assholes.

See what I mean?

"I think they're on marijuana." I whispered pronouncing it mary jew wana. The person in the strange orange hat waved us on. In the Stephenie Meyer world, characters seem ignorant of drugs and alcohol, and pre marital sex does not exist. I must pretend the same.

We stopped at the ranger station for a restroom break (I chugged that diet coke). As I came out, I noticed my mother talking to a front desk park ranger, asking for directions.

Correction. Not just a park ranger, but a god awfully hot park ranger. I don't recall his name because I instantly deemed him Park Ranger McStudly for my own reference.

He was tall as a mountain. With blond hair and blue eyes that stood out against his deep summer tan. He couldn't have been older that 25...I had no idea the wilderness contained such specimens. I would have come sooner. The ranger uniform didn't hurt matters either.

I evasivly wandered the small visitor center looking at maps and browsing through the books until I caught his eye. I want you to be the Edward to my Bella, I mouthed at him.

"Can I help you?" He asked, not understanding.

"I want you to be the Edward to my Bella." I whispered loudly, batting my eyelashes seductivly. Twilight fans say shit like that all the time, right? He would have fitted in perfectly with Hitler's master race and didn't have poop colored eyes but he was damn fine. As fine as any vampire.

It doesn't work the other way around.

"Excuse me?" He asked, forcing politeness. How coy.

"You heard me." He turned away, rollling his eyes all the while. I think I heard something like "damn Twilight weirdos" as he stalked off. Damn. Bella made it look so easy.

At this point there were about three things I was absolutely positive.

First, Park Ranger McStudly was a park ranger. 

Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be-that thought I was bat shit insane.

And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

We left my love to continue on our journey. The dense tree'd road turned to a less dense tree'd road paved with wildflowers. There wasn't much, just a few more bikers and a juvenille correctional facility.  Needless to say, it was very peaceful.


Further on, I started to realize there was absolutely NOTHING on this road. The GPS didn't even recognize the road. It looked like the arrow representing our car was apparently blank. The closest town besides Forks on the map was Vancover. Canada. Let me say this again. Canada. You know you're in the boonies when the closest big town is in Canada.


Ten miles out I noticed there were bullet holes in every sign.

My kind of place.

I also noticed that the sun hadn't left yet. Time was running out. I rolled down the window and cursed my misfortune. Wasn't it always supposed to be cloudy in Forks? It was a given. Like my dad having banana cream pie every birthday. Or the Mariners being last in their division. That the sun would rise every god damn day?! This was my impression of the world, and now it had been shattered. My whole experienced was ruined because it was sunny. This was NOT an authentic Forks experience. My opperation was laughable at this point.

Almost as laughable as they are.

But don't count out Forks.

Literally the minute we entered the town a giant cloud went over the sun. It was insane...dare I say, supernatural?

It was cloudless five miles before.

"Welcome to the Twilight Zone." My mom said chuckling at her wit. I did not laugh. Her unitentional puns are much funnier than the intentional ones.

We went to all the tourist Twilight shops and, oh boy, there were many. Twilight was the best thing to happen to Forks. Their tourist business has no doubt, shot through the roofs.

But at what cost?

However, as I was in the stores, every fiber of my moral being was protesting against this horrible, horrible deed I was commiting. I hated being a tourist. Even worse, I hated being a Twilight tourist. But I had a mission to complete. As stupid as I felt, I had to keep my cover. It could be dangerous if I didn't.

In one store there was a section labeled "More mature themed items" behind a curtain door. I casually slipped in, expecting something like weird vampire role play stuff...but it was just undergarmets and a dark room with glow in the dark stickers. Only in Forks.

As I stood there pondering which season of TrueBlood I wanted (I was baffled my the competing vampire series as well), three douches wearing JV football jerseys walked in. I was unimpressed. If you're on the JV team in FORKS, you're probably are doomed to a life of undeserved douchery.

Bill is so much more swoon worthy than Edward. Just sayin.

They were laughing at all the stuff. I realized they were only making fun as a defense mechanism.

"Are you team Edward or team Jacob?" I asked suddenly. They stopped laughing and turned to me expectantly.

"More like team Faggot." The obvious leader replied gwaffing. Hillbillies.

I managed to snap a picure of them before I left.

"I'm sorry, is are you using a derogatory term in subsitution for what I'm sure you mean as stupid?" I asked, thankful for that  one public service announcement.

"Twilight's gay." The fat one said.

"Well yes, some of the fanfic is. Literally." I replied and ducked back under the black curtain. I was done with them. I finally understood Bella's distaste for the breathers in Forks.

We decided we might as well take a tour. To bad it was three hours long and my brother had been in the car with my dog the whole time. Of course, the front counter of the Twilight Tours was scarily enthusiastic. I giggled a little in excitment to play the part, but was secretly glad we didn't go. That changed when my mom said we would do it next time. NEXT TIME?!

We were ready to leave Forks. But not before we got some ice cream. OH THE CHOICES. Naturally, Twilight themed. So many decisions. I could choose between Jacob's Beachcomber: A blue fruity style with a medley of nerd candies. OR Edwards Hugs & Smooches: A strawberry with white and dark chocolate chunks.

At last, I had to decide who my loyalties lay with. I wasn't just choosing ice cream. I was choosing what is ultimately THE Twilight question. Team Edward or Team Jacob.

I wish I could say I photoshoped this.

"Jacob's Beachcomber, please." I told the lady at the counter after five minutes of deliberation...if only Bella had been that quick in deciding. We could have been saved a whole movie.

I watched in slow motion as she proceeded to scoop Edwards Hugs & Smooches onto my cone. I took it without a word. She was obviously Team Edward...they're crazy, so I dared not contradict her.

 It was delicious.

Our final act in Forks was signing in the guestbook. I let my mom do the honors. She apparently made our alllegiance without consulting me first.

 I dare not contradict a Team Jacob-er either...they're even crazier.

I personally am team Park Ranger McStudly.

August 4, 2011

Similarities between Harry Potter, LOTR, Star Wars, and Twilight

Similarities Between LOTR, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and Twilight

This post started out as me trying to identify the similarities and differences between LOTR and HP because the past two times I have watched LOTR (more like two times in the past six times I have watched it recently) somebody has said "Woah. That's just like Harry Potter!"

Except I must add that this is like the whole "Ice,Ice Baby" and "Under Pressure" thing all over again. Freddie (we're on first term basis) and Dbowz wonderful jam is always referred to as "that song that stole the beginning to "Ice, Ice Baby". NO! Vanilla Ice sampled it without permission. TEN BLOODY YEARS AFTER THE ORIGINAL. So no, it's the other way around and if I hear that again I'm gonna be pissed. Same with HP vs. LOTR. Tolkien didn't take any material from Rowling. One could argue that Tolkien's work was the basis for modern fantasy...most do. So I guess it's ok. ANYWAYS rant over. I apologize. Like Boromir, my life's mission is defend Queen because I'm borderline obsessed with them.

OK BACK TO THE MAGIC (Pun intended).

This search led me to google, where I found even more stuff has been compared to HP.

Namely, Twilight and Star Wars. There was one about Jesus but that didn't sound too promising. Anyways, what I'm trying to get at is that all fantasy/sci-fi are very similar. If LOTR is similar to HP and HP is similar to Twilight, then really, Twilight and LOTR are also similar. This of course is A=B and B=C then A=C. Yeah, I was really good at proofs. NBD.

So really...
The movies are interchangable.

They could have destroyed the ring so much faster
if Frodo just got a ride on the millenium falcon

Boromir...Bro! You would get SO much more love
if you had actually done this.
Harry...Edward, what's the difference? Either way
you have made someone a third (fifth) wheel

Behind the neck shot?! NICE!
Not seeing it yet? Take it away paint chart!

I obviously did not think that through too well. Let me break it down another way.

Similar Names

In Harry Potter and Twilight, everyone awkwardly has the same name. Here's a list.


Now, I know that these are not uncommon names. BUT THE SIMILARITIES DON'T STOP THERE.

My last name is Black. I ride a motorcycle and turn into a dog.
My last name is Black. I ride a motorcycle and turn into a dog.

The Father Figure Who Dies
Star Wars, HP, and LOTR. BAM!

Suicidal tendencies held back.
Nobody was there to cry and scream for you my two named friend

Love Triangles
Unfourtanetly, there's always ONE loser.

Actually, I believe Harry wins this one on "death by Voldemort" technicality
So really, Voldemort un-cock blocked Harry by killing Cedric.
See, he's not ALL bad.
Somewhere in this vast world, there is fan fic depicting this very scene
You're welcome "EdwardizsoHAWT92"
Way to awkwardly be in the background.

Now we can be the Brothers we were always meant to be!

The only difference is that Harry uses weird British words
Evil Dark Lord comes out of the shadows of darkness TO RISE AGAIN

Except Sauron is way cooler than Voldy
You are strange.

Actor Crossovers

In HP, Rpatz plays a giant douche. In Twilight
Rpatz plays another giant douche.
I really dislike him for some reason.

Well "" I believe these two characters look
the same because they're the same person. But that's just a wild guess.
At last! Twilight and Star Wars similarity!
To quote the great Bryan Adams (hahahahaha JK) :


"Climb on my back spider monkey"
Actual Quote
This will forever be my favorite picture of all time

Fan fiction is weird

Why can't you just be normal?

I called midget fetish from the beginning
The best part is Han and Chewie's "knowing look" exchange
Ok. Why is it always either sexual harrasment
or gay lovers?

See what I mean?

I question the sanity of the creators
Another Chart!