March 29, 2012


Imagine that there was an Academy Awards exclusively for Disney movies. Quick! It's not just a dream anymore. Myself, along with an exclusive panel of judges (aka my friends...and my mom and my friend's mom) made this happen. We nominated and voted for the BEST OF THE BEST of Disney movies.

"I would like to thank my right muscle have given me a
lot of support over the years...especially while doing
push ups..."

 Yes, there was drama. Yes, words were said. Yes, there were tears.

And I thought it was called GLEE!
*ba dum ching

But it was worth it.

*I would like to add that I did not vote because that would make the panel an even number. So none of the bullshit answers were my doing.

Best Opener
Lion King - "The Circle of life"/ Simba's birth
Hercules- Deep voiced guy talking/ "Gospel truth"
Mulan- Pretty watercolor being drawn/huns invading China on Great Wall
Aladdin- Bro selling shit...introduces Lamp/"Arabian Nights"

My reaction:
This is pretty much a no brainer. I really like the beginning of Mulan with the watercolor's, but who could deny the king his crown (I realize I should stop this). "The Circle of Life" gives me's so powerful, without anyone speaking words. Well except BAWWWHH SOOWWBEEWAAA BAW MAAMBABA!!!!

Plus, it gave us this great renactiment scene. Don't
pretend you have never done this to your cat...or baby.

Best Ending

Little Mermaid- Ariel's pa makes her human (bro, shoulda just done it to begin with) and she marries Prince Eric underneath a raibow
Lion King- Simba climb's pride rock and roars. Then, the same scene of Simba's birth...but with his daughter.
Peter Pan- Mr. Darling (formerly a giant douche) says wistfully that he recognizes the pirate ship.
Sleeping Beauty- Prince Philip and Aurora dancing on clouds

My reaction:
DAMN IT LION KING. Y u so good? I like how it's really hitting hard with the whole circle of life thing. also gives me chills (again) when he is climbing pride rock...his birthright.


But TBH, I really like the end of Peter Pan. Mr. Darling is such a prick in the beginning...and then we realize that he participated in childhood follies, just like his children.

Notice, he and Simba have the same face expression.
Coincidence or conspiracy?

Best fight Scene:
Simba and Scar-Fighting on pride rock. Slow motion bitch slaps...and some other good stuff.
The Beast and Gaston- Fighting on the rooftops. The Beast pretending he's a gargoyle...BUT HE'S NOT.
Tarzan and Large Feline- Kills the jaguar/tiger/whatever thing who (quelle coincidence!) killed his parents (but more on that later).
Mulan and the Huns on the mountain- Blew up the side of a mountain...giant avalanche. LET'S KICK SOME HUNY-BUNS!

My reaction:
I hate to be the hipster...

Then again...maybe I love it.
...but I am so over Lion King winning it's third award. I mean, it came out in like 1994 (and I must add that it WAS the first movie I saw in theatres...I was born in 94' do the math. I saw it before everyone else...before it was cool...) and now everyone is all a sudden jumping on the bandwagon? It's just too mainstream now.

My reaction:
Ok, but seriously Mulan and the Huns should have won...they're a great band. Oh, you haven't heard of them? They're still pretty underground.

More like underground railroad

Most Heroic Moment

Simba-scratching the hyena's to save Nala
Mulan-taking out the Huns (see above)
Hercules-sacrificing (by death) himself for his lady friend, Meg
Prince Eric diving underwater to save Ariel from Ursula

The Reaction:I think Hercules should have won this one...all the other one's were sort of a rash decision. Simba did it from reaction, Mulan is just smart, and Eric is a douche  probably didn't think about the fact that it's hard to breath underwater had a boat handy IS A DOUCHE. Herc, on the other hand, decided to actually lose his life (instead of just maybe risking it). SACRIFICE.

Of course, wearing that pleated man skirt was much
more courageous.

Best Kiss 

Twilight automatically wins.

Sleeping Beauty- THE KISS. When he wakes her up. Duplicate, parodied, etc. Not that I'm biased or anything.
Little Mermaid- The almost close.
Princess and the Frog- I think we all know what this leads
Aladdin- balcony kiss...the flying carpet lends a hand.

My reaction:
I don't know how I feel about this. It just seems so average. Compared to the other nominess at least. Granted, Sleeping Beauty's is kind of creepy, Ariel's didn't actually happen, and The Princess and the Frog's was conflict...but still, they're interesting.


Deepest song
Those songs that aren't just about party'n or kissing girls.


Colors of the Wind- Pocahontas
Reflection- Mulan
God Help the Outcasts- Hunchback of Notre Dam
Go the Distance- Hercules

My reaction:
I really like Colors of the's my second fav Disney song. BUT WAIT! Reflection is my third favorite. It's such a short song, but so powerful and emotional. This one is a lot of inner angst coming out. Mulan needs to vent.

Ohhh I gettit....symbolism.

Most Romantic Moments

Lady and the Tramp- The iconic dinner scene
101 Dalmations- Double wedding!
Lion King- Simba and Nala gettin' it on
Beauty and the Beast - Beauty and the Beast dance

My reaction:
The winner got only two votes...everyone else just voted for every other one. It was a hard one. I love them all. Beauty is IN YO FACE romance, Lion King is just...nice, 101 Dalmation's is undertoned and sweet, and Lady and the Tramp is so iconic and well known.

uh,,,,maybe too well known

Best Villain Death

Clayton-Tarzan: Death by vine hanging
Ursula - Little Mermaid: Splintered to death
Scar- Lion King: Flippd off a cliff, eaten by Hyena's
Hades - Hercules: Faced punched in...dragged into the underworld.

My reaction:
All of these are pretty badass deaths (though non as great as the Steward of Gondor). The thing that sucks about Scar's is that the Hero doesn't even do the deed...I feel like that's cheating. But then again, it would have just been revenge (justifed revenge, o' course) and it's much cooler that the hyena's turned on their leader.

You should've been PREPARED, Hitler.

Best Parent

Mufasa - he talks in the clouds...from the dead
King Triton - does it all out of love?
Maurice (Belle's Dad) - Who nominated him? He's nuts.

My reaction:
I was surpised to see that the voting panel argued a lot about this one. Obviously, Mufasa is the winner because Simba takes so much initiative to be like him and do him proud. Mufasa's lack of presence is a big conflict...he just wasn't...there.

See the fear? Simba never learned about the birds and the bees...

Tragic Death

Scarred for life.

Mufasa- Scar is a dick
Bambi's Mom- "Going huntin' today honey"
Ray- poor firefly guy.
Tarzan's parents- all that blood...

My reaction:
I think Chandler said it best.

Best Dressed Princess

D'em bitches know how to dress.


For the exotic beauty in all of you!


honeyyy but that dress is FOREVER


Oh la la la robe est tres BELLE!


Who the HELL nominated this?
My reaction:
Yeah...I think when we did this we should have taken into consideration ALL their outfits. Because besides Jasmine, they're all not princesses until the last ten minutes of the movie. What's worse...they're poor. And we all know poor people can't dress.

Not sure if he's going for the hipster look...or what?

Best Non- Princess female:
Meg - slut
Esmerela- gypsy slut (dances "erotically" the priest man has to sing a song about how he wants to bang/kill her WTF DISNEY WTF!)
Lady - the name may confuse you, but SLUT (hellooo we all know what happened in the dog house)
Tinkerbell- slut (that hemline isn't going to lift itself)

My reaction:
All the non princesses are slutty. That's the way the cookie crumbles I guess. I like Lady. She is a classy bitch (even though she's a slut).
I have a NICE rack.

Best Non- Prince male:
Peter Pan- is a fuck
Pheobus- Oh you're so witty.
John Smith- every little girl had a crush on him. DONT LIE
Flynn Ryder- The newest to the eligible bachelors

My reaction:
I never really saw the draw of John Smith. He was kind of a conceited douchebag. But I am attracted to doucebags (my one downfall in life). So I think it might be the hair.

Pocahontas "come on...what is it? Herbal essences?"
John Smith "mane n' tail." *hair flip*

Best Duos:
Pain and Panic- minions if I ever saw them
Timone and Pumba - the classic bromance
Bajgera and Ballou- okay it's been a few months since we did this...I have no idea who the hell these two are? The Jungle Book, right? FUCK THE JUNGLE BOOK.
Lumiere and Clogsworth- Sexual tension? Well, when in France...

My reaction:
Eh. They were obviously the best choice.

But obviously THEY win best duo OF ALL TIME

Best Dream/Goal
Mulan- become a man? Wait, no...?
Hercules- GO THE DISTANCE BITCHHH (aka become a god)
Ariel-become a human
Pinachio- become a "real" boy

My reaction:
All these dreams are pretty shitty. Three of them want to change their DNA make up, the other wants to become a god. So he becomes a body builder...

So with that logic...
Mother of Arnold!
Can't anyone just be happy with who they are?

Best First Encounter:
101 Dalmatians - Anita/Roger get tangled up with leashes and Pongo/Perdita meet
Sleeping Beauty - In the forest. Prince Philip pretends he is her friends and scares the living shit out of me, it's romantic.
John Smith/Pocahontas - He almost shoots her.

My reaction:
I am tired of this panel and their choices. Obviously 101 Dalmations wins. It's so not creepy (unlike all the others) and it could happen in real life. This is the story I would want to tell my children/101 puppies. Not about how my wife saved him in a storm...but she had fins instead of feet.

"Kids, I am SOOO lucky it was just fins and not a surprise dick" 

Best Setting:
Agraba- Arabian NIGGGHHTTT
Atlantica - under the sea
Louisana Bayou/New Orleans - MARDI GRAS! PARTY!
Mount Olympus- The god's and their bitches hang loose here

My reaction:
Yeah, okay. This is what I found when looking for a picture of Atlantica. A whole lotta bullshit.

Look Ariel got a new look.

Most irrational villain
Malificent- didn't get invited to a party
Evil Queen- Isn't the fairest of them all
Gaston- Can't seem to put a ring on it
Cruella De Ville- Wants to make a fur coat

My reaction:
Wow. Some bitches will take pretty drastic action if they aren't invited to the party of the century.

No, the party of the YEAR!

Couple Most likely to succeed:
Simba and Nala - They were BFF's first and childhood friends. That's a solid foundation.
Beauty and the Beast -Who nominated them? She has Stockholm syndrome. That's not healthy.
Lady and the Tramp- She tamed the bad boy. It's like every girl's dream
Prince Phillip and Sleeping Beauty- Because they're soul mates. Period.

My reaction:
I support this.

Oh look. How presh

Couple most likely to fail:
Hercules and Meg- He sacrificed immortality for her. When the looks are gone, and all they have is the desire for something to fill the silence, he's gunna wish he was up on Mount Olympus partying.
Snow White and Prince Charming- HE'S A NECROPHILIAC FOR GOD SAKE!
Pocohontas and John Smith - They're too different. Sure, she made him see the colors of the wind...but...
Aladdin and Jasmine- He lied. Straight up.

My reaction:
It's just so ridiculous and star crossed lover-y. Plus we have it on good authority that she doesn't in fact end up with him (AKA watch Pocahontas 2)

JK don't. But if you do, please note
that I am not responsible for you
slitting your wrists.

Biggest Players:
The Tramp (unanimous) - the name says it all
Peter Pan- he's kind of a little ginger fucker
Gaston- He's pretty full of himself...
Prince Naveen- I have seen this movie once. I have no idea if this is true.

My reaction:
As you can see, it was a unanimous decision. He does have a song sang by some crack hoe mixed breed about how he gets all the bitches.

derrrppp too high.

Best Hair
Simba - he has a mane of hair. Literally.
Sleeping Beauty - Long golden curls.
Jasmine - Long, thick and dark
Prince Eric - fun fact: his nickname in high school was "the hair"

My reaction:
Who wouldn't want that hair? Like seriously. I am dying to touch it even though it's pen and ink.
Her only thrill in life is brushing it. The life of a princess, I tell ya

Most visually appealing:
Sleeping Beauty- If you look at the detail in the background it's fantastic
The Lion King- The Savannah...?
Mulan- Watercolor inspired
Princess and the Frog- Bringing back the old school Disney animation

My reaction:
UPSET OF THE YEAR. Sleeping Beauty should have won because at the time it was fucking brilliant! I am a personal fan of Mulan's art...but whatever.

Oh, you drew a wonderful. 

Best Rendition of Song at the Credits
Can You Feel the Love Tonight (Elton John) - The lyrics are different...
Go the Distance (Michael Bolton) - Michael Bolton is creepy
Reflections (Christina Aguilera) - I like the movie version better.
Beauty and the Beast (Celine Dion) - What Celine? GO BACK TO TITANIC

My reaction:
Well, on the bright side, at least when you sing it you can growl and add a few "oooooohhhhhoooo yeahh, oohhh heey heeeee" s. And forget the lyrics.

Urgh. 2011 jokes are sooo last year
Literally SO LAST YEAR.

March 13, 2012

How off Brand Cable Service tries to get you to watch Sketchy Movies

As I have mentioned before, I have a beach house at an undisclosed location on the Washington coast. Naturally, since it's in the middle of nowhere Hickville, USA, there is nothing remotely name brand about anything.

I don't even think they know that this is wrong
on so many levels.
The cable service is no exception. The service is called Coast Communications, and somebody obviously hates their job and doesn't take it seriously. To be honest, I would hate it too. Especially for shitty movies and sequels. Like how many times can you write a description for a Bring it On movie before you notice a pattern in the plot?

Popular, but scrappy high school girl has to go out of her
comfort zone to get her cheee squad to win in a world where cheerleading
is literally the only thing that exists or matter. That, and theoretically hot guys who
are the exact opposite of her current boyfriend.

For some reason, they really try to butter you up (like popcorn! HA! because it's a movie!) and watch these everything they have to offer. Whether it's through casting, making up the plot, or tricking you into thinking it's a different movie entirely, the have a way with words and influence!

Legends of the Fall

Legends of the Fall is probably the most melodramatic  movie you'll ever watch and this description completely missed the point.

1. It's two brothers fighting over a woman. The first one (who was engaged to said woman) dies in like the first 20 minutes. He has no idea his oldest brother wants his fiancĂ©e. 

In approximately 15 minutes the laughing retard gets mustard gased
and machine gunned. SPOILER opps.
2. It's not really about the woman (SHUT UP, it's ALWAYS about the bitchesss!). It's more about Brad Pitt being all complicated, with long flowing hair, and having a lifelong feud with a bear. 

I love you...haha jk, I'm to complicated and ruined as
a person to love anyone but my dead brother. I will however leave, come back
and marry the farm hand's half blood daughter. BURN

Oh, you thought I was kidding about the bear feud?
And let's be honest, Brad Pitt's hair is always going to be more of an incentive to watch than a lame love square. 

Now you don't even have to watch the movie!

Where the Red Fern Grows

You know people these days are stupid when you think the only way to get them to watch an adaption of a classic book is to use Dave fucking Matthews as bait.  I was on board with this until I got to the last sentence. Classic story, dogs, coming of age, money blah blah blah...all elements for a good movie then: DAVE MATTHEWS...ROCKSTAR GOD!

Wahhh I'm  Dave Matthews and I can sing about
stuff that weird 30 year olds like and I'm a rockstarrrrrr. Siri call me
rock god from now on because I can sinnggggg like a rock god
and I'm Dave Matthews and I'm chill and I like being cool
and blahhhhh blahhh blahhhhh!
Is it obvious I don't know any Dave Matthews songs? Because I honestly don't think I have ever legitimately listened to him (it?)...and I don't mean to sound like a super douche, because I of all people shouldn't be criticizing people's taste in music. 

The Little Mermaid

So I'm sure you read this and thought "What the devil? There is nothing wrong with this description! It has the basic plot down, there are no references to mediocre overated singers, and it doesn't have any stupid afterthoughts. It's a good movie too, one of Disney's best!"

Well, take a closer look my little friends. Any seasoned Disney pro will spot two problems immediately. One, this movie is made in 1992. Disney's was made in 1989 and it's definitely over an hour. SO...


awwww shitttt broooooooo

Apparently, it's a whole different movie entirely about a mermaid named Lena (WTF). It's pretty much the same story, just with different names for the characters. Now, I know some of you so called "literary experts" (aka douchebags who took high school english) are thinking "Uhm...actually The Little Mermaid is based off a fairytale so this is just an adaption of that. Disney has nothing to do with it. Just stupid people like you think they created it and everything else is a knock off. Actually, in the original story she (insert horrific death).Disney just sugar coats it. Take for instan-" 

Blahhhhhh STFU.

I just can't comprehend how some company would make literally the same movie three years after Disney does. Like, do you think you're really going to compete? It took me like five minutes searching google to find some kind of evidence that this movie exists...

And all I found was the foreign language

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Yet another instance where they use a famous person to get you to watch. But they take it one step further. No, you see, just saying George Clooney won't do...they have to describe it as suave, and use fancy words like courtesy 

If only they could get it so he said courtesy in a suave
voice...while taking his clothes off. OH BABY! The money
would be piling in!

A Cinderella Story

Not even the glorious writers of Coast Communications could come up with a description that would do justice for this movie.

Or explain how and why this picture is "just like in a fairytale"
that aint no fairytale, that's a nightmare!

The Fast and the Furious

I'm sorry...but what are these so called movies "Joy Ride" and "Pitch Black"? Like, holy shit, way to get me to want to watch this movie! Because I definitely loved Vin Diesel's wonderful portrayal of a a black man locked in a closet! (or that's at least what I assume the plot is).

Oh wow! It's my favorite scene!

At least they told us to buckle up!

Inglorious Basterds

Okay, they're obviously taking my advice and making it clear that Brad Pitt is in this movie...but really? Is this really the plot of the movie? It's really a mere sub-plot (If that. They really only show them attacking the Nazi's in enemey territory like, once). For some reason, not even my normal Dish service can get this description right. They completely disregard the whole part where the french HBIC decides to burn down her movie theatre, try to kill Christoph Waltz and the Nazi gang, all while getting ready listening to David Bowie. Oh AND getting the creepy German bro to stop trying to get into her pants.

Too many other problems, just shoot him.

Is it so hard to say that "everyone is trying to assassinate Hitler in a movie where Quentin Tarantino attempts to change history " IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! I realize the plot is confusing, but you don't have to completely misguide the watcher just to make it easier for you to write, assholes!

Well, that's all the goods ones. So, as I'm sure Quentin would say...

Until next time! (If I manage to stop being lazy again and write something)