July 31, 2011

Movie Review: Cowboys and Aliens

What to say about Cowboys and Aliens?

Well, I'm sure you already know what it's about and if not, it's quite simple. Pretty much, it's every single cliche from both genres combined into one giant clusterfuck of a movie cliche. Of course, it also has James Bond and Indiana Jones, so there's that.

Still want to see it? Still wondering hould you even spend the $10 to waste a good hour and a half on watching Aliens get their shit kicked with a laser cuff thing? Sure, it looked stupid to begin with but is it so bad it's good?

They need to manufacture that as a toy ASAP

HELL YES. Yeah, the movie was terrible...but it was also entertaining. You could tell nobody was really taking it seriously in the movie and in the audience. At certain points everyone would laugh because it was soooo campy. I don't know what you all expected but I got just what I paid for. A genre mash-up combining the best of both worlds.

You got the Aliens using earth as a resource and testing on humans. The memory loss. The mysterious person who knows more than they let on. The sweet, sweet technologically advanced weapons. The sacrifice at the end where shit blows up. Aliens. DUH. All this added together for a Sci-Fi alien movie.


You have the strong, quiet BAMF mysterious person (not the same person as above) who rides into town. The hard ass who is a total prick but then you see his soft erside. A couple shoot outs. Prostitutes. Whiskey. Horses. Outlaws. A perfect mix for your average western.

  "Sorry, I'm just here for a drink"
Actual line.

At one point, someone near me whispered "This is so stupid" yet what I think they really meant was "This movie is so stupid...I'm coming again tomorow". You roll your eyes and laugh out loud when you aren't supposed to BUT YOU LOVE IT. It's just so BAD. I even wonder now why I enjoyed it so much.

I will say though that Daniel Craig should do more westerns. He is just that kind of guy. He was so perfect. He needs to stop dicking around as James Bond and do some quality westerns. I would go and see him...because I love cowboys. However, I must that AGAIN romance gets in the way of awesomeness. Olivia Wilde was awesome and I have a girl crush on her, but I just got impatient when her and Daniel Craig had "moments". It just seemed unessacary and out of place, plus...


Yeah, I bet you didn't see that coming...but like I said, this movie is full of cliches. I'm sure you will be able to guess what happens. If you already were planning to see Cowboys and Aliens since last summer like I was, carry on my wayward son. If you were on the fence, go see it with your friends and laugh your ass off. If you thought it looked stupid to begin with...no, we all thought it looked stupid...uhm, if you thought it looked stupid and said something like "why would anyone see that movie?" then DON'T. We don't need your bullshit...we know it's a bad movie. Yet, I'm still probably going to see it again. It's pure blockbuster entertainment with some of Hollywood's finest having a good time.

Final Grade: C-

Coming Soon:

There were quite a few new trailers out that I haven't seen. MANY familiar faces and a lot of ensemble casts. Hmmm

In Time: Olivia Wilde is Justin Timberlakes mom?!?! WUT. Apparently, this movie is about people who don't age and pay with time? I don't know. It's probably going to be filled with plot holes. JT, please stop doing movies and make another album. I love you acting man, but I love your music more. Better yet, just host SNL every week.

Contagion: Gwyneth Paltrow, Matt Damon, the guy from CSI, Jude Law, Kate Winslet...HOLY SHIT. I probably am NOT going to see this because it's not my kind of movie but hot damn, what a cast. I <3 Jude.

Moneyball: I don't care what anyone says. I LOVE Brad Pitt. Not because he's good looking...I just think he's an awesome actor. He could go through life playing the same character over and over but he doesn't. He has some solid movies. Anyways, this is probably going to be another "sports" movie...urgh. Whatever.
Battleships: This movie is going to be awesome for one reason: The Liam Neeson golden rule. No matter how awful a movie looks, if he is in it, it's going to be badass. Even when the theatre starts laughing at the trailer...

Movie Star Food Ads

Sometimes, to pay the bills when times are tough actors do endorsments for companies. Little do they know that their names are PERFECT for new products. I decided to create these hypothetical advertisments... just in case the companies realize my genius.

You see, a magical thing happens when I'm in a room with windows paint. I have been told I'm some kind of paint wizard, the best this side of photoshop. Now, I have never used photoshop before, so I don't know if you're expecting that kind of quality. I can tell you I don't have money to pay for it. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills in using ghetto paint to make masterpieces. Now, mix that with my love of puns and movies, and boy...do you have a show.

Leonardo Di Caprio for Starbucks

Yes, I did just steal Folgers tagline. But it's Starbucks, they can do whatever the hell they want.

Reese Witherspoon for Sweet N' Low

I am not sure why all her props are oversized.

Mark Wahlberg for McDonalds

I think the MOST important thing that comes from this is that there is a gun that shoots ketchup...or catsup. Where'da legs go Marky-Mark?

David Bowie for Lean Cuisine

What a classy color combination. Also, he looks like he's wiping his mouth...so it's like he already ate it...and I bet it was delicious.

Sean Bean for Bush's Beans

Yeah...it's obvious but how could I NOT have the love of my life in there when the opportunity was calling for him? Anything to see that face.

Ava Gardner for Wendy's

Dear Ava,
I apologize for degrading you to an ad for Wendy's. If it helps, you totally classed it up. Plus, Wendy's is the best, so be grateful I didn't slap your face onto Burger King or something equally horendous.

Orlando Bloom for Outback

At first, I had it so there was a piece in his hand like he was going to eat it...but then I realized that could be taken the wrong way by imature people (me), so I un-did that. Nice braid, BTW.

The important thing is that he finallly has some work.

July 24, 2011

Movie Review: Captain America

I wasn't sure what to expect with Captain America because superhero movies are usually hit and miss with me (usually miss). Of all the big super movies that have come out recently (Thor, X-Men, and Green Lantern) this is the only one I have actually seen. Mostly because I am tired of Natalie Portman, I don't understand X-Men and Green Lantern looked stupid.

 So here comes Captain America. I braved a theater full of dads with their junior high aged sons and one guy who was very excited for the new Thundercats show reboot (not that I blame him). Captain America was the prize.  Like most first movies in a superhero franchise, we are introduced to the main character and his alter ego...more importantly HOW he becomes his alter ego.

FINALLY I was getting tired of watching Cartoon Network
only for Batman reruns and Ben 10. Do me proud.

Steve Rogers is just your average guy (HAHAHAHAHAHA as if. He has the body of a prepubescent. It's very distracting and sadly hilarious) who really wants to serve his nation and achieve BAMF status. Unfourtanetly for him, he not only has the body of a 12 year old boy but ALSO the health of a 12 year old dog...if that makes sense. So, no Army for him...until a german scientist sees that he has "heart"and if the movies have taught us anything, "heart" goes a long way

Naturally, he wants to use him for his little experiment...then BAM! Steve Rogers is now a stud. Too bad some jerk-wad nazi has to ruin all the fun and kill the scientist. So now they can't use the experiment to create an army of studs (at least that's what I think was the plan). According to Tommy Lee Jones, Steve is now a pointless experiment who should remain in the lab...but some other guy thinks he could serve his country in a much better way...by becoming CAPTAIN AMERICA!

No, not some kickass guy who leads sweet missions (that's later!)...more like the leader of a chorus line. Anyways, Captain America becomes somehwhat of a star to the America public, but once he goes to Europe things aren't exactly peachy...and that's where shit starts going down. Oh, and the villian is a familar face (at least until he peels it off).

"I had to get my revenge on those cruel kids somehow"

So...is Captain America worthy of other great superhero movies?

Just for this? Uh...yeah.

 I enjoyed it the whole way through...it kept me engaged, unlike other Marvel superhero movies...

"Hey dad."
Woah. I did nazi that one coming

I thought the casting was good...especially Tommy Lee Jones. He saved the movie from being decent to better than decent. The action scenes were spot on, totally badass with slow mo and sweet, sweet music. The whole movie worked despite my total confusion of the Nazis massive technology and also, the fact that an asian guy and a black guy were in a team with a bunch of white guys...because if there is one thing 1940's America hated, it's asians and blacks. I'M JUST SAYING. Historical innacuracies aside (because who cares in a movie like this), there were a few scenes where the movie got really, really good. I was very optimistic that this would be a great movie. It never came through fully though, so I can't exactly say that it was spectacular. It was awesome and badass, totally worth the ticket price (that I didn't pay for)...and totally worth seeing, but don't expect the Dark Knight. Not that any of us were. Captain America is hopefully a sign of even better things to come.

Probably the thing that bothered me most was the romantic interest. Yeah, she was cool...she punched that douche in the face and has a better shot with a pistol than Jack Bauer, all while wearing perfectly applied red lipstick.

See what I mean?

 However, she was an unwanted distraction. Call me old fashioned, but I just wanted to see more shooting and use of that AWESOME sheild. Steve Rogers is not a ladies man like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, so I'm not expecting him to get a ton of tail throughout the movie...especially since he thinks fonduing is a metaphor for sex. God damn. The overused lame "oh no you might die, kiss me because we might not have another chance"  scene ALMOST ruined the entire movie for me if not for Tommy Lee Jone's comedic timing. I love him.

"Yeah well...get in line "

All in all, Captain America is worth it. It has some cool scenes and even though it's corny (and dumb) to the point of laughter at times, you will probably still enjoy it. Like Steve Rogers, it has heart. Of course, then I must assume you're not a heartless bastard yourself.

"Who, me?"

Also, a nice tip: Wait through the credits. They take awhile, but if you're patient you will see something hopefully to your liking...if you enjoyed the movie that is. I left the theater saying "Fuck,yeah". The good people at Marvel had a master plan all along...they are truly geniuses.

Final Grade: B

Coming Soon:

At Harry Potter I saw a trailer for Rise of the Planet of the Apes. That trailer didn't strike my fancy since it was amongst others that were much better, however the trailer this time around improved and I may just see it...if only for James Franco.

And of course, there was a trailer for the new Spiderman movie next summer. I always had some reservations with the previous three, probably because Tobey Maguire is like 40 and I dislike Kirsten Dunst...a lot. The only reason I tolerate them is for the same reason I will be seeing Rise of the Planet of the Apes. This reboot however looks promising. I got the tinglies during the climbing walls/webbing around NYC scene...it was like a video game! So cool. I can already tell it is going to be more like the comic books because of the lovely Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy. The new spidey also looks more legit...probably because he isn't 40. As a extrememly soft core Spiderman and Batman fan(as in I know more than the average bear but I don't read them too often) I am very pleased with the direction the new franchise is going.

You keep me young

July 21, 2011

Lord of the Rings Characters and their High School Stereotype Equivalent

I know...I promised I was done with LOTR for a while, but like most evil geniuses ...I lied. You see I couldn't sleep. My slumber pattern is in that glorious cycle of going to bed at 3 in the morning and waking up at 2 in the afternoon. Unfortunately I actually had to get up at... can you believe it? 11 O'clock. Great Scott, what a scandal.
When I need to sleep but I can't, my mind goes crazy. I  get all these wonderfully horrible ideas (when you add positive adjectives ahead of negative ones the blow is less traumatic). I started thinking about that photoshop picture of Aragorn I posted in the greatest member of the fellowhip (because for some reason my mind goes to fictional characters when I'm falling asleep?...and it made me realize, holy shit! Aragorn is totally the football douche of LOTR.

I promised myself I would never recycle a photo...
but alas, I promised many other things as well

This, of course, just spawned my other comparisons. Naturally, it didn't help me fall asleep at all. I wanted to do something beside of LOTR but...

Inspiration can't be stopped.

Well that, and when I thought of other movie franchises with many characters, I ran into dead ends. Harry Potter is really just highscool in a castle with magic and a kid who in normal society world would be a shunned because of his appearance (I'm becoming shallower by the day!). Then I thought: Star Wars! Who knows what humorous yet logical parallels I could make with Han and Chewie. Then, I realized the plot is very similar to One Tree Hill...what with the whole asshole who is actually your dad and incest (that happened, right?). Spiderman? High school stereotypes without my help.  Batman? I' m not even going to touch that! Pirates of the Caribbean? Captain Jack is the eccentric dude who everyone secretly admires and Keira Knightley is Ferris Bueler's girlfriend. DONE.

So, all that considered,  I was back at LOTR.

Aragorn: Cool jock who is secretly insecure because of the pressures to do well

Think Chad Michael Murray in A Cinderella Story.

"I am pensively thinking about where my life is going"

Once he stops creeping around up north, we find out the Aragorn is really the heir to the throne of Gondor! That's a lot of pressure for one dude...and a lot to live up to.  Just like the star quarterback who has to do well at the big game. Everyone expects so much of him but he is unsure if he is worthy of such praise. Aragorn definitely feels the heat, ESPECIALLY since his girlfriend has been distant lately...

"I am pensively thinking about where my life is going"

Frodo:Geek who manages to get in with the popular crowd

Think Patrick Dempsey's character in my favorite 80's teen movie, Can't Buy Me Love.

"I replaced my nerd glasses with cool kid glasses
so they won't know my true identity"

So Frodo gets to hang out with the cool guys (everything that isn't a hobbit) since he has status now! Of course in LOTR it's because he has the key to saving the race of men, not just that he secretly pays the popular girl to date him.

But at what cost?

Apparently a couple of crumbled up $50 bills

Frodo is in the big leagues now, but now his character is totally corrupted and he has become an absolute shit. He is an asshole to his real friends and...well an asshole to his new friends as well. The similarities end their because Patrick Dempsey doesn't drop kick  the object of his desire into Mount Doom (he should have, she was a bitch) in the end...but I really think I'm on to something. This is an earth shattering revelation. Just like the time I realized the kid in Stand by Me and Johnny Cash were brothers! Genius.

Mind. Blown.

Boromir: Rebel/Bully who is really just misunderstood...

"My dad uses my face as an ashtray"

...No, just kidding. I wish. In reality, Boromir is really the rich kid who pretends to be your friend for ulterior motives, but then find the people he is trying to ruin are actually pretty rad! Everyone finds out he REALLY IS a creep, but then he redeems himself in the end during a bittersweet moment.

I still love you... <3 <3 <3

Sam: Designated fat friend

Every girl group has one. That fat chick who has a low self-esteem and an even lower metabolism. The girl who always says something about being fat, followed by an awkward pause from the group, then a  "Nooo you're not! You're just curvy...like JLo..." followed by a hasty subject change. However, the fat friend is always very loyal and always is willing to pay just so she can eat...so they let her stick around.

We all know you ate it, Sam

Merry and Pippin: The Stoners

These two are smoking throughout the entire trilogy. The moment they become most estatic is NOT when Frodo saves middle earth, but when they find barrels of Longbottom Leaf in the ruins of Isenguard. Hell, from the end of Two Towers to the middle of Return of the King they smoke that shit non stop.
"Pip! I feel a Taco Bell run is appropriate!"

You know you have a problem when your fellow stoner comrade says "Pip, you smoke to much." ESPECIALLY, if your name isn't Pip.

Gandalf: The wise teacher who asks the toughquestions...but  everyone still loves and respects him

So it comes full circle...

You know that teacher who says "You'll hate me now, but love me later!" well, that's Gandalf...except not because everyone already loves him. He leads all the kids through the trials and triumphs of adolescense (or the Mines of Moria) ensuring that when they leave the classroom (or when an ancient fire monsters brings his ass down) they are prepared for life's journey!

"If you don't start studying for that chem test...
Overdone...I know

Gollum: That weird kid who sits in the corner talking to himself while plotting the death of everyone around him...

AKA the same exact character.

Sometimes I can't tell the difference

Eowyn: Either the tomboy who everyone grows to appreciate OR the girl who attempts feminism

You know that girl who is awkwardly on the wresting team who all the guys resent? Yeah, that's her. They want to yell at her, "GTFO!" but of course, her dad is the coach...so they can't. Eventually she shows she is just as awesome as them by stabbing a guy in the face! YAY


Ok, here's the thing that bothers me about Eowyn...they want us to think she is some "I'm Woman Here me ROARR" person. She isn't. I touched on this very lightly in The Greatest LOTR Scenes...but stopped myself because feminism is one of the things that finishing school taught me to never speak of in polite company. However, just this one time I must make a point.

Yeah, she is pretty kick ass and has that whole "I need freedom but am oppressed because of my gender" thing going on, but she ALSO spends the entire time pining over a guy who wouldn't give her the time of day. It doesn't bother me too much because I understand...Aragorn is foxy. However, she disobeys to fight...and for what? Her kingdom? Well, she was SUPPOSED to be keeping down the fort in place of her uncle...father? That guy who is king who she is related to...

Saruman: The Frenemy

Yeah. He's the girl who pretends to be your friend and then stabs you in the back to be popular. You think you can trust her then BAM! she figuratively kicks you in the balls, saying "Either join me or be forced to eat with kids who put baloney on their faces!" Bitch!

This is actually a deleted scene from The Fellowship

Bilbo: Crazy janitor that is friends with the nerd protagonist

The guy who knows all about the school secrets...therefore, making his wisdom valuable to the nerd who needs to do the cool kids bidding! He might lend him the keys...or dance to a sweet montage while cleaning the school! The possibilities are endless.

Unless he is that asshole from Scrubs...


Gimli: That guy who is "friends" with the popular kids even though nobody particularly likes him

Seriously, WTH? This one has always thrown me for a pickle. He keeps up the appearence of being cool but then again he also is never invited to parties...unless he manages to overhear a conversation (ending with everyone yelling "Great, now he's coming! Thanks a lot Joe and your Steven Tyler sized mouth"). They don't drop him completely...because that would be mean. Anyways...that's Gimli. He is semi useful because his brother buys everyone beer sometimes... but not as cool as the others. You kind of forget he's there...but then his ginger face pops up and you scream.

"Hey guys! My cousin has a sweet pad down in
the mines...we should totally go!"
Frodo gets stabbed and Gandalf falls down an endless pit
Thanks for the suggestion Gimli

Elrond: The guy who goes back to his highscool to who tries to be the "cool" and "approachable" teacher that the kids can relate to

Think Schuester on Glee.

"Nice to be back on my old stoppin' grounds"

He has everyones best interest at heart...but he is also super awkward and lame in his execution. He also wants to be young and hip. He may reminisce about how he handled a similar problem back in the day by saying something stupid while trying to sound relevant.

LOTR Example:

Gandalf: "Well shit. Sauron is raising an army and wants the ring back."

Elrond: "Oh well...I might be some help...see I was there when he died! See, it sometimes pays to be thousands of years old...haha! Oh you! You keep me young."

Glee Example:

Random student: ...and then Susie chucked a slushie at my face

Schuester: Don't worry we don't tolerate bullying here...but that reminds me of this one time in high school when I worked at 7 Eleven and everyone came and hung out there! We sang songs and made memories! See...7 Eleven was around even before I was born...so I'm really not that old!

He isn't nearly as cool as the actual cool teacher (see Gandalf) but he sure as hell tries!

"I must make them like me"

Legolas: The effeminite dude who says deep stuff all the time but really is not that smart

I'm not naming names...but I know someone like this. It's that guy who tricks everyone into thinking he is really deep, sensitive, and worldly...but in reality his image is as fake as his long blond hair. He's not necassarily doing it to get a ton of ladies (though if he is, he is more of a genius than I can comprehend), he just wants to be percieved as being the "philisopher" when really he has an IQ that is on par with Forrest Gump. Despite all this, even those who know his true being can't find it in their hearts to hate him.

"This looks just like a stick I found while backpacking
through South East Asia...you found me again, old friend"
Sauron: The Evil Vice Principal

Like the VP (actually he is Dean of Students but VP sounds more stereotypical) in Ferris Bueller, Sauron is forever looking to catch that hooligan who is ruining his life...or something like that. No one really understands his motivation, he doesn't seem human, and he REALLY needs some visin. He goes from a perfectly respectable position (evil Lord, Dean of Students...same diff) to somewhat of a stalker.

"It's Frodo Baggins. Ha! He doesn't know that I know
he is on his way to Mordor...lol"

Faramir:Lame freshman kid brother

Poor Faramir. He is the kid who is always refered to as "Boromir's little bro". He isn't as much as a stud as his brother. Though, who is, in comparisson to Sean Bean?

He is my secret passion

In the eyes of everyone he meets he is known only by this title: students, teachers...even his parents forget is real name! No matter how hard he tries, the little fella can't break that image...so he takes drastic measures. He may become emo...or complete suicide missions! Then, while his brother is further deemed a stud, he gets stuck with the butch girl on the wrestling team.

Life is not fair.

July 15, 2011

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II

Wow, what a night. I'm sure most of you joined all hardcore and not hardcore fans in seeing the final installment of the Harry Potter films last night, but I'm still going to review it for you! Last night was pure magic. Not just because of the movie but also the energy and love that only HP fans can give. During the pre show there were guys performing skits, that were to my knowledge, sponateous. So many people were dressed up and looked awesome (my philosophy for the midnight premier is "Dress up or go home"). You could just tell every single person was excited for this film (with the exception of the person I was sitting next to, who hadn't seen any of the films. Pre-show, her friend was reading the plots off Wikipedia to her...awesome). And why shouldn't they be? We have waited 11 years for this franchise to end. So did Harry Potter go out with a magical bang?

Mofo Harry Potter

Well, here's the deal. Even if the majority of the scenes were crap, people were still going to love it as long as they rocked the "key" scenes. You know...the scenes where your entire theatre cheered for almost no reason at all, except that they were favorites from the book.  That in mind, the majority of the scenes weren't crap...and the "key" scenes were awesome. So, nothing to worry about with that. The film exceeded that expectation. Despite it's dark material, the movie managed to be very funny. The one thing I love about Harry Potter films (especially the David Yates ones) is that they have good comedic timing. I probably laughed more at this movie than the Hangover II.

The actors were better than usual...a lot of them didn't have too much screen time, so they had to make the best of it. It felt like they were in a cameo to me but as everyone's last hurrah they sure delivered! Most notably, Maggie Smith as Proffesor McGonagall. She kicked ass, just like her character in the books. Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange was personally my favorite performance. She was perfect when she had to be Hermione pretending to be her. Carter is one of my favorite actresses and I'm so glad she played this role. Alan Rickman was Snape was also very, very, very good. In the books, I was never that sympathetic towards the whole "Snape loved Lily" thing. This changed during the movie...the pensieve scenes were probably the most emotional and heart wrenching in the entire film. Bravo.

I love the bad guys

Most of the movie is the Battle of Hogwarts. After the film is over, you may be wondering how they managed to stretch that all out because it seems like it takes a really long time when you're watching it (in a good way). I thought the battle scenes were the best. They really took in the spirit of the book, while still making things even more interesting. The death of a few characters (you know who I'm talking about) was very quietly done. I personally was thankful, because I thought the deaths were unnecessary evil in the first place ...but I'm sure a lot of people will complain. The effects were very cool, probably the best in a Potter film.

I only have a few points of criticism. Though it didn't bother me because I knew what was happening, I don't think the movie explained enough to the non-book readers. If I were watching raw, I would have been SO confused. That said, I think those who haven't read the books would have enjoyed the final showdown between Harry and Voldemort. That scene was very intense and drawn out...I thought it was good, but the book's was better. The way the events proceeded was much less awkward in Rowling's version. However, Neville's final act of badassness was very enjoyable in both medias. Also, why do all the bad guys die by getting broken into a million pieces? WTF is this bullshit?

All in all, I really enjoyed this movie. I don't know if it was the emotions leading up or the movie itself...but this was a great way to end the series. Unlike some sobbers in the theater, I did not cry during the emotional parts...at least until the last scene when they were waving at The Hogwarts Express. BTW, I thought that scene was really well done. It could have been awful if they got other actors to play the aged characters, but they didn't, and it was super classy. Anyways, it all suddenly hit me that this was going to be the last time I would see a Harry Potter movie for the first time. My days of midnight premiers would be over. What was I going to do with my costumes? What was I going to do with my life? All these things hit me as I saw Dan and the gang with awkward hair waving with smiles on their faces. Unfortunatelty, I think it was only a surface wound because it actually hasn't fully hit me yet. I don't think I'm prepared for what happens when it does.

Final Grade: -A

If you haven't already seen it, GO! You won't hate it and I promise it will be a nice trip down Harry Potter lane. It's magical. That's the only way I can describe it.

On a different note, I would like to breifly discuss the movie trailers that came with out during HP. I personally am very excited for Cowboys and Aliens and The Dark Knight Rises. I have already seen the C&A trailer many a times...but not the Batman one! It barely gave you anything and that was why it hit the money. Such a tease, Chris Nolan, such a tease.  I also really want to see The Three Musketeers, mostly because it has Orlando Bloom, Matthew Macfadyen (hey, if James McAvoy was in it, we could call it the three dudes who banged Kiera Knightley in a historical setting! Think about it!), as well as my favorite actor Christoph Waltz. They aren't all the Musketeers themselves (how unfortunate!) but they are all in it. It's going to be hard to beat a Three Musketeers movie with Charlie Sheen and Kiefer Sutherland (who am I kidding, of course it won't). Who knows if it will even be good, but I'm still seeing it!

July 14, 2011

The Harry Potter Movie Rank!

The day is upon us. You know exactly what I'm talking about: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II. It has been almost 11 years since the first movie came out...I am actually having a hard time believing that. It is very sad to see the series end. Remember four years ago when the last book came out and everyone said "Chin up! We still have three movies to go!" well...now, we don't.
Harry Potter was a large part of my formative years. In junior high I was a total HP geek. I read the books constantly. I thought about Harry Potter all the time. I acted as though the characters and I were good friends. I would make HP references... I was really weird (some would say awesome)...yet I am proud of my past devotion. If there was a test on HP I would rock that shit.

Anyways, I had a mucho love for Harry Potter and though I have grown past it (almost), I am still sad to see it go. This was my childhood. No other group of kids grew up with HP like the one I belong to. Harry Potter is OUR generation. We grew up with Daniel Radcliff, Rupert Grint, and Emma Watson. We were all kids when the last book came out. DH Prt 2 is our last hurrah. It isn't just the end of a franchise...it's so much more. Never again will we have a new HP movie to look forward to. Never again will the mystery of "how close will it be to the book" or will we think "I hope the don't mess this shit up". I look forward to it but I have a feeling that I will be crying come tonight...and not just because (SPOILER ALERT) Harry dies. OHHHHHHHHH sorry.

Anyways, lame emotions aside, I decided it appropriate to list the movies IN ORDER from worst to best.

7. Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix (2007): I can't even watch this one. It's boring and ruins the book for me. I know that was necassary to chop it down a bit, but did they really have to make the longest book the shortest movie? It just wasn't good. Every scene was dissapointing. The book is my second favorite but the movie is total bullshit! Nothing was like a imagined it would be and the scenes were confusing. Ok, I'm probably really biased here...I had read this one many times before the movie came out, so it couldn't break my mental image of events like the previous ones had. However, I doubt anyone is disagreeing with me. SO. MUCH. DISLIKE. I will say though, that during the part in the Department of Mysteries when Harry is having a spazz attack because of Voldemort is pretty good. I get a little teary eyed when he is having the flashbacks from all the other movies.

Law & Order: Hogwarts

6. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002): Eh. I don't like this movie because it doesn't do the book justice. Everyone seems to hate the book but I love it, and the film just made everyones dislike worse! The best part is definitely when they're cruisin' in that sweet Ford Angela, especially when Ron falls out of the car.The fun stops there because all the other scenes were taken out! I was especially upset because the deathday scene was not in it. That could have been SO cool. This movie sucked at following the book. Stuff was left out andother stuff was jumbled around. AND THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE VALENTINE TELEGRAM THING. So dissapointing. It's only other saving grace was Lockhart...he's the best.
"You're dead Potter"

5. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (2009): This one makes me LOL. I think it's one of the funniest...probably because they wanted to offset the fact that Voldemort is taking over Great Britain (has anyone else thought that they should just move?). It's definitely a transitional story. Everything is being set up for the final showdown. I think it translates better on screen because I HATE the book. If you read the blurb it pretty much says "Lord Voldemort comes out of the shadows, causing mischeif and taking over the goverment. Despite all this shit going down, life goes on as Harry and his friends turn from naive children to horny teenagers." Teenage angst at it's finest.

SO. AWKWARD...his eyes are closed.

4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I (2010): This one is kind of like the book for me. Since it isn't normal formula, I almost don't count it as HP. That aside, I think this one is the best, especially because it follows the book perfectly. I wouldn't expect less, since it has been split into two movies for that very purpose. I can't think of anything they didn't put in. Very well done. The only reason it isn't higher on the list is because it's SO emotional to watch (just like the book), so one can't exactly watch it while sipping cocoa and decorating the Christmas tree.

Sweet Bill Paxton sweater, Harry

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004): Ahh yes, I siriusly love this movie. It's not my favorite but it's pretty darn close. This one was directed by that Alfonso guy who only did one of the movies. I must say, the one time directors for HP are the best. Anyways, he brought a little bit of flair to the series. I can't really explain it...but I liked it. This was after the super fantasy of Chris Columbus (where everyone was wearing robes all the time and throwing simple spells around) and before the darker version of David Yates (torture scenes, anyone? Crucio). Of course, that could just be because of the material. POA is the book where things are less innocent but still optimistic...Voldemort isn't even in it. The movie is almost the universal favorite, according to my research...which I'll admit is pretty much looking at one poll.

"Easy...yeah, that's a nice computer generated half bird thing"

2.Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001): This movie brings me back. It's crazy how young all the actors were! The first movie is worth the watch just to see little 11 year olds learning how to use their wands...GET YO MIND OUTTA THE GUTTER. Everything is so innocent and magical. When I look at the later movies where people are getting eaten by snakes, I think "What the hell happened?!?" of course it really is just showing them maturing and becoming bright witchez and wizardzzzz! I'm not dissapointed when I miss this one on Harry Potter weekends (not like when I miss the Fellowship on LOTR weekends...that is the WORST) and when I watched it in french class, I fell asleep. However it still has a dear place in my heart and I can appreciate it's amazingness. PLUS, Oliver Wood gets decent screen time...he is my favorite book character. NBD. This is the only one I will count as a "Christmas Movie" because for some reason it just is. It's on 25 days of Christmas and this one has the ONLY decent holiday scene in the movies. So because of it's holiday warming effects, it is automatically higher on the list.

You may want to take a laxative...if ya know what I mean

1. Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire (2005):Best book and best movie. Good job people! I'm so glad they didn't mess this one up. There are a couple reasons it is so great. First, it has a slighlty different make-up than all the others (Deathly Hallows omitted)...The Triwizard tournament! I think this adds a lot more to an average year at Hogwarts. It is much more structured...and everyone knows I like a good amount of structure. Also, there is so much mystery to who is trying to kill Harry. J.K Rowling likes to tease us...who knew in the end it was Doctor Who! (I would also like to add that I miss David Tennant and I hate the new incarnation...but that is irrelevant at the moment). This is also the movie with Rpattz...and HE DIES. It's fun to make Twilight jokes while watching. Kind of like makingTitanic jokes while watching Inception. And the Yule Ball scene is one of my favorites from all the HP movies...Hermione's dress is so classy, even if it's not to the book.

Harry Potter IV: A New Hope

Well shall see how Part II goes into the rankings. So far, reviews have been good. I expect to have one by tomorow afternoon...or something like that. Writing this was just what I needed to get in the HP mood! Now, I'm pumped and my costume is awesome BTW.