October 20, 2012

10 Greatest Movie Endings

Have I really not written about this before? I honestly thought I had, but I think that might just be because I usually rate movies based upon their endings. In my world, good ending = good movie...because really, the ending of a movie is your last impression of it. A good ending can save a mediocre movie, just like a bad ending (ahem, Return of the King) can take a great movie and diminish it's quality.

Sam, I don't give a SHIT that you finally got some

Most of my favorite movies happen to have fantastic endings. Coincidence? If you're familiar with my work, you already know what number one is...and you also know that I hate Casablanca, so no, it will not be on here.

Oh, I guess there will probably be spoilers...so don't be the "WHAT THE HELL? SNAPE KILLS DUMBLEDORE?" person. That book came out 10 years ago, the movie is like 3 years old...really? But anyways...

10. Heathers (1988)

Can I take a second to say how much I love Winona Ryder? Like, I know it's not 1992 anymore but I still think she deserves to be worshipped...even if she is slightly crazy. SHE IS GOING TO MAKE A COMEBACK GOD DAMMIT.

Anyways, I watched it a couple days ago actually, so it's fresh in my mind.  Heathers is pretty under the radar in today's day and age. Not a lot of people I know have seen it, and I'm pretty sure it's listed in Greatest High School Movies. So, legit credentials, right? Believe me, it's a great movie overall but the ending is what really gets me.


Veronia (Ryder) and J.D (Christian Slater) have spent the entire movie killing the popular kids at their high school and making it look like suicide, which in turn has made killing yourself cool at Westerburg High. Veronica decides that she is done with all that bullshit because, well, killing is sort of bad...but J.D is definitely a psychopath (he wears a rapist trenchcoat, Veronica, did you really not see that one coming?) and is like "uh...no baby...i love you" or something.


J.D tries to blow up the school during a pep assembly, but Veronica manages to shoot J.D in the hand and thinks the bomb has been stopped, but when she walks out of the school J.D follows with the bomb strapped to him. J.D gives her a little speech, and she replies by taking out a cigarette and raising it to him in a toasting manner... after the bomb goes off the cigarette is lit from the ashes in the air. It's pretty badass... oh, and there's cheesey 80's music in the background, which definitely adds to the overall amazingness that is Heathers.

Veronica then goes back into the school and confronts the new Heather Queen Bee by taking the red bow out of her hair that belonged to dead Heather, saying "Heather, my dear, there's a new sheriff in town" and then putting it in her hair. She then asks the fat unpopular girl if she wants to watch movies on prom, because what is a high school movie without a popular person becoming friends with the losers? AMEN.

Basically, I worship Winona...I could pick multiple movies with her that have great endings (Edward Scissorhands, Little Women, Mr. Deeds...haha jk on that last one), but I choose this one because who doesn't want to watch Christian Slater die?

Make it stop.

9. Boogie Nights (1997)

Mark Wahlberg in a movie about the golden age of porn? Uhmm...yes! To be honest, I was never that impressed with Boogie Nights. I thought it was really long and kind of depressing. What makes the ending so good is that all the characters lives are that depressing. By the end, after all the bullshit and the rise and fall f Dirk Diggler, they're all living with Burt Reynolds...still trying to make some god damn pornos because that's all they know.

Polyester suit? Check.
The final scene has Mark Wahlberg in front of a mirror getting ready for filming and he whips out his dong, telling himself "Im a star. I'm a star. I'm a star...I'm a big bright shining star". Pitiful? Yes. Expected? Of course. This movie is a classic "the cost of fame and fortune" plot, except there is no redemption. They're still trying to regain their former glory, but they're old and burnt out...and that's what makes Boogie Nights a good movie. Plus, when he zips up his pants it cuts to the credits playing "Livin' Thing" by ELO I smile a little, because that's a great song...and so is the rest of the movie soundtrack.

Note: This is an "edited" version of the end. One that I wish was real, but it's nevertheless inaccurate.

8. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

I had a really hard time choosing between this, and another brilliant Tarantino film, Pulp Fiction. Both the endings are great, but this one gives me a little more satisfaction...plus I sort of hate John Travolta, so he doesn't deserve my praise.

Really? Is there even a movie where you're NOT a "good" dancer?

In case you haven't seen it (and therefore I hate you too...you're on a level with John Travolta, I hope you're happy), Inglourious Basterds is set in WWII Europe involving Nazi scalping, blown up cinemas, mexican stand offs, and a bunch of other shenanigans. Basically, everyone wants Hitler dead (big surprise) and there's a plot to blow him and the high ranking Nazi's into pieces (spoiler, they succeed... proving Tarantino really does think he's god...changing history and what not).

"What? She said she was 18."

The having surrendered to "the Basterds" after cutting a deal with them to escape to America because he knows the Nazi's are toast, the bad guy (WAIT, IT'S NOT HITLER?!) Hans Landa aka "the jew hunter"(played by the extremely talented Christoph Waltz in a Oscar winning role) has a swastika carved into his head by Brad Pitt and that guy from The Office, so that even when he's living in refugee in the US, everyone will still know what he is.

It's destined to be a classic, especially with Pitt's final line...masterpiece indeed.

7. Batman Begins (2005)

The first in Nolan's 98% flawless trilogy, Batman Begins isn't nearly as good as it's sequels but the ending is the strongest. It is straightforward and sets us up for the next movie perfectly, unlike The Dark Knight which leaves us in confusion (wait...they...they don't want Batman anymore? WHY? Fuck you Harvey Dent, you're an asshole!") or The Dark Night Rises which I'm still confused about ("so...is Batman dead...or what? IS JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT ROBIN?! WHY WOULD YOU SET US UP FOR ANOTHER MOVIE WHEN THERE ISN'T GOING TO BE ONE?!").

The events of the movie are over and Commissioner Gordon (IDGAF is he's technically not that yet) is setting us up for the next movie. Armed robbery...theatrics...leaves cards everywhere because he's an asshole who can't clean up after the weekly poker game with the boys...

And then he turns over the card, and the audience is like HOLY MOTHER OF GOD...

Fan boys everywhere were probably jizzing..."HOUSTON WE HAVE A JOKER" Roger that, fan boys, roger that. Little did we know that we were a few years away from one of the best movies of the decade and one of the greatest performances in years. 

Thank you, Batman? Says Gary Oldman... NO THANK YOU BATMAN BEGINS.

6. Toy Story 3

Man, I hate this movie. It made me cry like three times. Why would you do this to me Pixar? I don't even really like this movie to begin with, the only good thing was Ken...besides that I find it somewhat disturbing. However...that ending.

I don't think it's fair that Pixar is allowed to be the master manipulators that they. Take a movie series that came out when a generation was just little kids, and end it just when they're becoming adults. Something about leaving your childhood behind sucks, because who wants to be an adult?

I can tell you right now it's not this guy

Andy goes to college, leaving his best friends behind for another child to enjoy and giving his toys a home that they wouldn't have had when he was gone (until she grows up too and this happens again...oh that, only my heart being ripped out). I think it's a great sacrifice, because he's giving up his childhood...something that is extremely hard. The final montage scene makes me lose my SHIT. I cry like a little bitch just thinking about it. However, it is powerful, memorable, and emotional, and even though I hate it, I can't help but love it too.

5. No Country for Old Men

Oh ho ho ho. Pretty much, you either love the ending to this movie or you hate it. That also depends on what "ending" you're talking about. Is it when Josh Brolin (I love you) is anti-climatically killed, when Javier Bardem gets in a car accident and just walks away, or when Tommy Lee Jones gives a "boring speech"? 

All these parts seem to get everyone's panties in a bunch...I think they're all brilliant. The entire movie Josh Brolin (I love you) is in a game of cat and mouse, trying to escape Javier. There are a few close calls, but he manages to get away everytime...and then BAM! He gets killed, but not by the bad guy or anything...just someone who broke into his hotel room. We don't even see what happened, just that he died. No explanation at all...just that the main guy is now dead and we're all sad and confused.

ahem, sound familiar?

 Now, I can see how that pissed people off...it takes away any satisfaction we have for a conclusive ending. Ah, but my friends, life is not like that...sometimes there is no point. Josh Brolin (I love you) died because shit happens...and I find that kind of bullshit to be more satisfying then a neatly gift wrapped ending. 

Then there's Javier getting what the bastard deserved! Oh wait, nope. He gets in a car accident and I'm sure everyone seeing it for the first time was like "OH HELL YEAH, well at least the bad guy get's what he deserves" uh NOPE. He just dislocates his arm...and proceeds to walk away from the scene, giving hope to hit men and guys with bad hair everywhere. 

"No really, tell me...is it John Frieda?"

Oh, and then there's Tommy Lee Jones's speech about a dream he had at the very end of the film. Yeah...it seems boring to an otherwise intense movie, but there's nuggets of gold in it and if you didn't understand the movie, maybe you would if you actually listened to someone talking instead of just expecting explosions and shit all the time.

Anyways, the ending of No Country for Old Men is so unsatisfying and troubling, but that's what makes it so memorable in my mind. You want the happy ending where the hero is a hero, and the bad guy get's what he deserves...but those lines are blurred in a movie where a man steals millions and some guy is truly just doing the job he was hired for. 

4. Casino Royale (2006)

Casino Royale has grown to be one of my favorite movies. I get transfixed  everytime it's on...I once skipped a party because I started watching it and couldn't stop. IT'S THAT GOOD...plus I have horrible social skills, so I wasn't making that big of a sacrifice.

Casino is supposed to be the Bond movie that takes place before Bond is 007. He's still smooth and get's more ass than then all of NSYNC combined.

LOL @ my early 2000s pop culture reference

We soon find that this is the movie where Bond becomes Bond. Hell, with his lady friend he decides he doesn't even want to be an agent anymore...and they run away together...then he finds out she was double agent crossing him the entire time...and them she dies. Oh, he also gets hit in the balls multiple times with a weight attached to a rope...so this is some heavy (pun SO intended) stuff to handle.

now we know how he has so much sex and no kids

So, how does Bond overcome all this bullshit? By becoming the 007 we all know and love, duh! The movie ends with the him rejoining the agency and using Vesper Lynd's final clue to him to find who blackmailed her...and then this shit happens, and you know a legend is born.

3. Some Like it Hot (1959)

Though it's not my favorite Marilyn Monroe movie (Bus Stop, you'll always have my heart), Some Like it Hot is one of the greatest comedies of all time and definitely one you should see before you die. It's extremely stupid, but I laugh out loud everytime I watch it. The pure innocence of it all, mixed with the innuendo is genius. Plus, it's about two cross dressing guys escaping the mob...so what did you expect?

The ending is the best however, because as as Jerry/Daphne, Joe/Josephine, and Sugar escape on the boat with the millionare Osgood (who wants Jerry/Daphne to marry him),with each couple making plans to get married. Jerry/Daphne tries to object to marrying Osgood for multiple bullshit reasons, finally admitting he's really a man and ripping off his wig, to which Osgood replies "well nobody's perfect!"

Best final movie line EVER. It's just so ridiculous, and then Jack Lemmon's face after is just dumbfounded.

2. Gone With the Wind (1939)

The great thing about GWTW is that the characters Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler are just so unlikable  yet they have one of the greatest unconventional love stories of all time. The whole time you're sort of rooting for them, sort of hating them, sort of loving them, all the while hoping they burn in a fire. At the very end, after all the bullshit, Scarlett finally realizes that she loved Rhett all along, but it's too late. He's all "screw you wench, and I don't mean that how you want me to"

I may have gotten that quote wrong...

So, after over three hours committed to this movie, having watched a war begin and end, Scarlett's multiple husbands biting the dust, fancy outfits, melodrama, etc, etc...the movies ends with the main character so NOT winning. So, you know what our heroine (that's pushing it) does? Well she sure as hell doesn't take that shit lying down, she's going to get her man back...maybe not today, but tomorrow is another day indeed.

 Despite being a bitch, liar, manipulator, and man stealer, Scarlett is who's journey we're on in the movie, and even if her ending isn't happy she still has what's left in her to give us hope.

1. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

What to say about this movie that I haven't already? This movie is my heart and soul, if I had to pick a movie to watch over and over again (sorry The Mummy, you're a close second) this would be it. There are so many scenes of pure gold that I could talk about, but the ending is what always gets me.

The two outlaw's run has finally come to an end. They had their time, but there is no turning back for Butch and Sundance. They're stuck in Bolivia with nothing left, their lady left and the Bolivian police are closing in on them. Are they going to surrender and give up? Hell no, they're going out with a blaze of glory, guns up!

And then the frame freezes in black and white (like the beginning of the movie!) and all that you can hear is gunshots. Of course, we know that they get shot to death and probably have more holes in them then this guy...

Yeah, I made THAT joke

...but there is almost something respectable about the way they went out. I think we all want to say that's how we'd go out too, but 99% of us would go out on our knees begging for mercy. Like all great westerns, Butch Cassidy and the Sndance Kid has furthers our romantic view of the old west, but also is poignant and shows unlikely heroes who we sort of want to be but really aren't badass enough to pull off. 

July 19, 2012

5 Reasons Hogwarts is secretly the School from Hell

Imagine a world where you can go to boarding school at a posh castle in Scotland, learn magic, and meet friends for a lifetime! If it's anything reading/watching Harry Potter leads you to believe, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft would be the most kick ass school to attend. Of course it sounds cool! Who doesn't want to learn magic and perform jinxes on their friends?

Especially the weak, fat ones...jk Neville, you get your revenge.
 You also are living in a place full of talking pictures, secret rooms, and an unlimited amount of knowledge to uncover about an ancient castle. Bored? Go take a walk on the gorgeous grounds! Lonely? Oh hey, you live in a dorm with four other people and have a common room shared with people just like you! Cold? There are literally fires everywhere! Come to think of it, I should be making a brochure for potential Hogwarts students (fun fact: when I was a freshman in high school I did in fact make a brochure for Hogwarts as a model for a cell in biology).

There's sports too...though only a handful of people will be able to play. Quidditch is not only the "most popular" of wizard sports, it's also literally the only sport in the wizarding world. Of course, even if you don't play, I hear the after win parties are LEGENDARY.

"Dude, I drank wayyyy too much butterbeer last night"

Anyways, Hogwarts sounds great. It's like boarding school on steroids. However, behind the facade of wonder, there are secret horrors at Hogwarts that nobody seems to acknowledge. Sort of like the Chamber of Secrets itself if you think about it. Amirite?

5. So you want to work in corporate? TOO BAD.

The best thing about Hogwarts is that you can take a variety of classes. History of Magic (name says it all), Care of Magical Creatures (name says it all), Transfiguration (turning shit into other shit), Divination (How to become a psychic 101) ...the list goes on! And you know what? Those classes are so practical in the real world too!

"I went to school for seven years just so I could read tarot cards at the county fair"

Yes, you learn cool magical stuff...but what about math and english? Hogwarts students are writing at a 6th grade level. Imagine all the people you know who don't know the difference between "you're and your" or "there, their, and they're" (don't act like you don't bitch about it on twitter, I see you), now multiply that by 100 because they just aren't teaching that shit at Hogwarts.

There are geniuses like Hermione who read the shit out of everything, but if anything Hogwarts taught us, literally nobody else reads except for her. They remind us of this fact approximately every five minutes.

Look at that nerd.

So, they're writing essays for potions or History of Magic, AND NO WONDER Snape hates on the the essay Harry wrote, they obviously suck...because they haven't learned any new writing skills since elementry school.

"He once asked me how to spell 'orange' "
Now I realize nobody sees the point in math, because it is in fact pointless... unless your job require that when you're an adult. But never fear! You won't need math at Hogwarts because after school you're either 1. Working for the goverment or 2. A shop owner 3. A teacher at Hogwarts.

Think about it:

Everyone in the Wizarding World either works for the Ministry of Magic, owns a shop in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade, a healer (doctor) or is a teacher. Oh, and a sprinkling of professional Quidditch players and some entertainers. Besides that there is nothing else. Lawyers? Nope. Businessmen? Imagine a wizard in a suit. HA! Dentist? Regular brits don't have good teeth, think about british wizards. Enginner? Who needs em? Everyone can do magic! Pilot? Please. Ever heard of broomsticks? Policeman or Military? BITCH WE HAVE AURORS (they're like wizard navy seals...so only the best become one).

Nope, your options are limited in the Wizarding world. So that's why it's great that if worst comes to worse you can use your education to get a job in the muggle world if you have to. OH WAIT.

4. Uhm, racist much?

At Hogwarts students are placed in houses according to their personalities and ambitions in life. This sounds like a reasonable idea, since then you'll be living with like minded people. This also promotes healthy competition because the houses compete in quidditch and house points. You have team spirit and a group to call your family for the entire year.

There are four houses that each have distinct characteristics...I would classify them as:

Gryffindor's are brave and badasses, Ravenclaw's are smart and pretentious assholes, Hufflepuff's are like the friend that no one really likes but no one really dislikes, and you know... Slytherin's are racist.

Wait, what?

Think about it:

Slytherin is a house based entirely upon people who don't like muggle borns. Yes, Slytherins are ambitions and cunning (apparently, Malfoy always seemed like a dumbass). And yes, I'm sure there are some lovely Slytherin's who have hearts of gold. I'm just saying, if you were to bet on anyone to use racial slurs like "mudblood" you just KNOW it's going to be a Slytherin.

And this is what happens when someone tries to stand up
to said racist.

Everyone else at Hogwarts is socially accepting of half-bloods and muggle borns, but to a Slytherin it's like having herpes. In Slytherin you're not going to BE a muggle born, and if you're a half blood it's something to be ashamed of. If this was real life, it would be like having one "house" with only white people...and all the other "houses" with a mix of races and ethnicities. Let that sink in, and imagine how that would feel at a school in the 21st century.

3. You'll get fat

Have you ever seen the spread at Howarts? I'm talking treacle tart, pumpkin juice, shepherds pie, chips, kippers, toast, rolls, black pudding, steak and kidney pie, yorkshire pudding, potatoes, spotted dick (yes, I laugh everytime. No, I still have no idea what it actually is), custard. These options and plenty more heavy weird British stuff is avaliable to the students of Hogwarts for three meals a day.

Oh, that's what it is.

Think about it:

There's no salad or "healthy options" like you see in American schools. You are eating 10,000 calories a day and YOU'LL LIKE IT. Sure, you can control portions and everything, but who would when you have THIS to enjoy.

"Eat up little piggies...yeah, that'll make you pretty" - Hagrid

They also don't work out or get virtually any excercise. Maybe British wizards have high metabolism or something? Perhaps walking across the castle for class is all the workout you need? Either way, there is no after school soccer practice or working out at the Y inbetween classes. The only sport you can play is quidditch, which is sitting on a broomstick...so no cardiovascular health benefits for you, Harry.

2. Let's live in the Stone Age, Mates!

At Hogwarts there is no possibilty of technology. Apparently, all the magic and shit gets in the way of radio signals and virtually anything else that makes modern technology possible. The only way to connect with the outside world is through owl post. Hogwarts sounds awesome until you realize you can't tweet about what a dick Snape is when he fails you on the Potions quiz.

If only there were another way for Hermione to vent her
feelings on "fake ass bitches"...instead she'll just have to poison them

Now the wizards don't know what they're even missing since they have always lived this way and duh, they can do magic! But don't you think that if they knew that they could just send a quick email instead of waiting two days for the owl to make it there in back?

Think about it:

Sirius probably would still be alive if Harry had a cell phone to text him something like, "Hey brah, Voldemort didn't nab u did he?". If the communication was more modern a lot of problems could be solved. They're living centuries behind the times...forget email, they don't even have telephones!

To be honest, it's actually quite ignorant of the wizards. You tell a wizard about airplanes and they're like "WTF IS THIS SHIT?" they don't understand how planes work. Don't get me wrong, I still have no idea how they work but at least I know there is something scientific about it, or whatever. To wizards it defies logic...like the world being round and not flat.

"Yeah, what the hell is up with that?"

They are making no advancements in their world...and if you can't improve, you're in the dark ages. Societies flourish with new learning...Hogwarts has been pulling the same bag of tricks since Godric and the Gang first built it. In 100 years normal society will have jet packs and the wizarding world will still be stuck on the ground...


1. They endorse Slavery

Not to go all S.P.E.W on your asses, but Hogwarts has an underground (literally underground) slave network. The house elves who work in the kitchens and clean the castle at night. They don't get paid and wear rags. Granted, the house elves like it this way and only a few seem to want to be free...but really Hogwarts? You have slaves. Let's call a spade a spade.

Slavery, racism, obesity, no technological advancment, and
horrible job opportunities. Hogwarts, you are a gem.

June 3, 2012

5 Reasons The Notebook Suck

Look at any list for the "Most Romantic Movies" and you'll find 2004's The Notebook at the top of every single one. In case you have been living under a rock (or trapped in your office chair playing WoW. This is why you don't have a girlfriend, you haven't seen this movie and you're a NERD), the movie was adapted from a 1996 book written by Nicholas Sparks. The Notebook is a story about a young couple, played by Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, who fall in love in the 1940's despite differences in class and status.

Mating rituals of North Carolina hicks!
Sounds like your run of the mill romantic drama, right? It is, but everyone seems to be under the impression that this movie is good. Mostly girls...ages 12-24, with a couple stragglers in their 40's...

Spoiler: They all have multiple cats and multiple accounts on eharmony 

This movie isn't good. I don't understand why so many girls go ape shit crazy when it's on TV. The only time in my life I have ever wanted to watch The Notebook when I'm feeling sad over a dude, so yes, only emotionally unstable me wants to watch this garbage...that should tell you how great it is.

5. The best times were before they actually got together

In the movie, James Garner plays an older gentleman who is telling a woman  in a nursing home a story about two youngsters who fall in love (back in the day when people said youngsters, mind you). As the movie progresses, we find out that the story he is telling is their story, and he tells the story to make her remember him and their life together...and oh yeah, she has Alzheimers.

Alzheimers for the old timers!*

*I'm not making fun of people with alzheimers! It's a horrible disease.

The thing that worries me is that this couple obviously got married and had children, yada yada yada...but the story he tells is the one where they fall in love, are torn apart, and finally get back together.Yeah, there's the "passion" and obviously it's a pretty important event in their life together...but shouldn't old Noah be getting her to remember their actual life together? Their wedding day? The birth of their children? Buying their first home together? NOT THAT THEY BANGED WHEN IT WAS RAINING!

Is it awkward for anyone else that she is still
wearing her engagement ring to ANOTHER GUY?
Which get's me thinking...was this their prime? Is old Noah telling this story because this is the only part he wants to remember? Don't get me wrong, we all hold onto the past...but come on! When telling a story about how you and your wife got together, talking about all the crazy tequila filled nights crying yourself to sleep and having sex with random women should not be on the agenda.

Take note Mr. Mosby

This gets me to thinking that perhaps after Allie choose Noah and they had a tearful, happy embrace...they then were like "Shit, what do we do now?" The passion is over, and so is the GOOD  part of the story. Now, I'm not saying that is necessarily true, since they were together so long and old Noah is trying desperately for his wife to remember, but it still makes me wonder.

4. So yes, this movie is depressing.

The thing about Alzheimers is that even if the patient does remember, they're going to forget again. It's a horrible disease. So of course maybe for a brief moment Allie will remember that she loves this old man who visits her everyday, but then just like that she will forget again. This isn't a way to live for either Allie or Noah, who again, only lives in his memories.


So sure, they had this amazing love story, but really what's the point if you can't remember? There is no point...your life doesn't matter once you don't have the memories. There is nothing left for them to do except die, and their memories die with them.

Unless there is a middle aged guy out there
to write about it and make the $$$$
...there always is


3. Wait? She didn't choose the guy who was actually stable?

Okay, I know panties will drop just at the mention of Ryan Gosling...but really? You ladies don't swoon after James Marsden's character, Lon? He's rich, an officer (and a gentleman), a lawyer, charming, handsome...

Goodbye panties!
 Not to mention he is emotionally stable and somewhat sensible. Sure, he does all the right things (in the movie universe) when he finds out about her and Noah. You know, driving down in a jealous rage and even suggesting he beat the shit out of him.

Or, ya know, optic blasting them...whatever works

However, he expects Allie to make the choice, because since he loves her too, he knows that what she wants is what's best for her. He lets her go, something Noah couldn't do. And you can bet your fucking ass that when Allie leaves him, he doesn't cry like a little bitch for 10 years, growing a ridiculous beard, building their dream house hoping that she'll one day come back to him.

Emotionally unstable men...so romantic.

2. Noah doesn't exist

Can I please just ask you something? Do you really think that a guy like Noah exists? A guy who is so devoted to his girl, that he wastes what could be his prime pining after her. A guy who writes letters to her everyday for a year. A guy who is actually somewhat of a nut job if you really think about it (he did almost kill himself just for a date with her). 

But damn, wouldn't that be a great premise for a dating show?

Noah is romantic and absolutely balls-over-deep devoted to Allie. We all want this guy to exist...but I think we all know that he doesn't. This gives us unrealistic expectations to our men, so NO WONDER we complain all the time about guys and how stupid they are. If I see one more tweet about how "I wish there was a Noah out there for me" my mind will explode. I mean, at least pick a romance that actually makes sense, showing some actual sacrifice and deep shit, like my dream movie romance...

Frodo and Sam take a close second
1. Nicholas Sparks wants your money

I love to hate Nicholas Sparks. I mean, the guy churns out the same story every couple years yet he still makes millions of dollars from both the book and movie versions. Nights in Rodanthe, Dear John, The Lucky One, The Last Song...all books about two people falling in love, and either lies, death, separation, war, etc. will tear them apart...but we leave knowing that true love does exist. Or something like that. Oh, and all these books were turned into movies and made big $$$$$.

They're all really corny too. I saw The Lucky One and...well, let's just say that a theater full of gal pals having a night out (including my own companions), old middle aged ladies, and one bald guy sitting by himself did NOT appreciate me laughing out loud at some of the "romantic lines".... "You should be kissed every day, every hour, of every minute" is that the best you can come up with? That doesn't even make sense...and I can think of multiple scenarios where that wouldn't be a great idea.

"Zefron, please  ...I am pooping!"

So no, I don't think The Notebook is the greatest romantic movie ever, because it thrives off of cliches and is the basis for all the other romantic melodramas of the past decade. 

So yes, thank you Nicholas Sparks for brainwashing hormonal teenage girls into thinking there is a man out there who is like Noah. It's almost as bad as Stephenie Meyer letting us believe there is an Edward out there for all of us.

Because who doesn't want a creepy stalker who damns you to a life of
soulless immorality

Now, if you disagree with what I'm saying and "OMG! GREATEST LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!" I'll give you some recommendations for romanctic (or romantic elements) of movies I think are actually worthy:

5 Alternate Romance Movies for the Notebook

April 2, 2012

Famous Last Words: 10 Great Movie Deaths

Like always, I was thinking about Sean Bean. More specifically, how he always seems to die in movies. Sometimes he's the tragic hero...a lot of times he is the villain. Either way, you know he's going to die somehow. Well, quite frankly my mere mortal friends... people die. Even in movies! Nooooo. Sometimes it's the bad guys, sometimes it's the good guys. You're either going to love a death, hate it, or be indifferent (in which case you're a monster! My god, somebody died!)

#10  Alan Rickman - Die Hard

"What is it you said to me before? Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker?"


But seriously, if that was your reaction GTFO

Die Hard is personally my favorite Christmas movie of all time. It really captures the holiday spirit. Bruce Willis in a tank top, a dash of terrorism, and explosions.

"Look mommy, is that Santa?"

All good family fun. The best part, however, has to be Hans Gruber  and his wonderful death. Bruce Willis will not be denied being badass, so he shoots Snape in the chest. But oh no, it's not over yet!

Hans grabs on to Bruce Willis's blonde  wife and almost takes her out the window with him. But of course, the bad guy can't win, so he ends up being pulled down by a little guy named gravity.

"OHHH GRAVITY is working against me"

and Hans is no longer Gruber.

# 9 Tristan- Legends of the Fall

"It was a good death"

As I briefly mentioned in this post about shitty cable service, Brad Pitt spends the entirety of Legends of the Fall having a weird feud with a bear.

that, and being covered in bitches.

Well I wouldn't say the entire movie. He almost gets killed by the bear at the very beginning. This establishes that he is in fact, a badass. Fast forward two hours and a lifetime later with absolutely no mention of the bear, and old Brad Pitt goes out into the woods...and what do you know? THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING BEARS ATTACKS AND KILLS HIM.

It's crazy.

# 8 Lurtz- The Fellowship of the Ring


As an opening statement, I discussed the love of my life Sean Bean and his many deaths. Well, Lurtz is responsible for one of them. Who is Lurtz, you ask?

This guy...orc...thing...dickface.

He kills Boromir in the last twenty minutes of The Fellowship, and I curse the gods EVERY.SINGLE.TIME
However, his death is avenged when our favorite hero Aragorn comes in and saves the day.

Like always, look at that smug face.

With a little bit of scuffling, some crafty dodging, intimidating growling and a decapitated head later, Lurtz is dead.

Out of all the deaths in The Fellowship, why is this the best? BECAUSE I FUCKING SAY SO.

#7 Matt Damon- The Departed

How could I pick the best death in this movie? There are like five insane killins' in the last ten or so minutes of the 10th most wonderful movie in the world. I had to choose this one because 1. It's Mark Wahlberg getting payback and 2. I hate Matt Damon, so this really cheered me up.

You're so pretty

I don't want to go into detail with this one, because if you haven't seen the movie, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

HAHA just kidding. I do.

# 6 Sword Master- Raiders of the Lost Ark

HAN SHOT FIRST. HAN SHOT FIRRSSTTT. Oh no, wrong Harrison Ford character.

But it's fucking true
 In Raiders of the Lost Ark we see our favorite archaeologist/professor/adventurer/sex god running through the streets of Cairo after the bad guys. At one point, this sword master guy comes out of the woodwork, sword a blazziinnn gettin all fancy and shit.

Indy being Indy, decides he has no time for this bullshit. So instead of getting into what could be known as the greatest fight ever...whip vs. sword, we get sword vs. gun

It was still SO rad.

# 5 Tony- West Side Story

"They won't let us be...we can, we will"

I had a hard time picking which "star crossed lovers" inevitable death I was going to do. I almost did Titanic, but I'm so tired of hearing "I'll never let go" that I couldn't.So I arrived at West Side Story. The love (west side) story of Tony and Maria. He's in the rival gang of her brother's gang.

In musicals, this is what a gang does.

He's European, she's Puerto Rican. He is kind of a babe, she has a terrible terrible fake accent. They met the day before, BUT THEY ARE IN LOVE DAMMIT. But unfourtanetly, after a rumble under the highway, Maria's brother ends up dead...and who did it? TONY

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. He ran into my knife...he ran into my knife ten times." 

Anyways, Tony now has a price over his head. The Sharks want him dead. He and Maria decide to runaway together... but then after a complete misunderstanding, Tony thinks Maria is dead (noticing something?). Intent upon not living any longer because the love of his life has been killed, he runs through the streets screaming  "COME AND KILL ME CHINO!!!"...or something to that effect. Of course, Maria is doing the exact same thing...except not screaming like a god damn maniac

He stops, not believing his eyes...there she is, in the flesh. The run to each other, and as he meets her arm, BANG! he gets shot by Chino.

To be fair, he did ask for it.

#4 Black Swan
"I'm Perfect" 

You know the last, say, twenty minutes of Black Swan when everything starts happening really fast in the adrenline pumping show premier where Natalie Portman stabs Mila Kunis, but it's really her because she is crazy? Yeah, I think it is pretty worthy. First of all, we didn't really see it coming because when we found out Mila wasn't really dead, we just assumed that she imagined everything (or at least I did) in that dressing room.

Pre show nap?

Nope. Natalie stabbed herself, but somehow managed to perform a perfect scene...where, guess what? The white swan dies too! She is laying on the matress with everyone (including creepy-sexual-harassment-law-suit-waiting-to-happen-french dance instrutor) applauding her efforts where she utters those lines. Do we know if she actually died? Who knows! It's better that way because we can see that her obsession with being perfect drove her to death- whether literal or symbolically is up to the viewer.

# 3 Joker Magic Trick- The Dark Knight

"I will make this pencil... disappear" 

So, in the I'm assuming we have all seen the Dark Knight. If you haven't, there is something so wrong with you...so wrong, that I don't think I could even diagnose it.

Just kidding, it's Syphilis. BECAUSE YOU ARE CRAZY.

Anyways. Like all the mobsters who are trying to take down the godamn batman, we at first aren't taking The Joker as seriously as we should. He is a clown after all, and...

He's the guy who sang some Frankie Valli...COME ON! 

At one point, being the crazy mofo he is, the Joker asks if the lads want to see a magic trick. They're like "no, this is bullshit" and one guy approaches him (because he left his pencil in second period and needed a new one. damn!) and BAM! The pencil has disappeared...into his head...

# 2 The Princess Bride

"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..."

Ah yes. What a classic scene. A favorite among Princess Bride purists and non purists alike! I actually take his advice quite seriously...whenever I play risk I refuse to try and control Asia. And that my friends, is why I have won almost every game of risk I have ever played.

Weak. Everyone knows you get Africa and South America, then
let everyone fight it out and SWOOP in to win it all.
Damn! I gave my strategy away!

Why is this scene so great? Well, the death is so realistic. I mean, how they captured a man laughing and then so forcefully stopping while falling stiffly over was amazing. I actually am quite concerned they practiced it on sacrifices to get it just right. They may have actually killed him because it was so WELL DONE.

You should get a best actor award. 

No, actually it's just entertaining. The stakes are high in this battle of wits. The Man in Black/The Dread Pirate Roberts/Westley is so cool and collected, while Vizzini is a pompous prick. So clever? Maybe the first time. So great? Everytime.

#1 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

 "Oh, good. For a moment there I thought we were in trouble"

As you know, this is my favorite movie of all time. I said why in my first post... one reason being the ending. I cannot even explain it. Out of any movie scene, this one has stuck with me as pure awesomeness. Hell, I have the movie poster showing it above my bed. Yes, it's really, really creepy that I enjoy the death of two of Hollywood's former studs. But I don't enjoy it because they die, I just thought it was the perfect ending.

Look familiar?

The way it's executed is just classy as hell. Butch and Sundance had a good run while it lasted, so time for one last shoot out. Of course, they are unaware that the Bolivian military has assembled itself outside ready to put holes in them. The duo reloads, run out without a moments hesitation, and then the frames freezes...and all we hear is the firing of hundreds of Bolivian guns. I just stare at the screen speechless, unsure how I should react.

I love that movie.