5 Reasons The Notebook Suck

Look at any list for the "Most Romantic Movies" and you'll find 2004's The Notebook at the top of every single one. In case you have been living under a rock (or trapped in your office chair playing WoW. This is why you don't have a girlfriend, you haven't seen this movie and you're a NERD), the movie was adapted from a 1996 book written by Nicholas Sparks. The Notebook is a story about a young couple, played by Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, who fall in love in the 1940's despite differences in class and status.

Mating rituals of North Carolina hicks!

Sounds like your run of the mill romantic drama, right? It is, but everyone seems to be under the impression that this movie is good. Mostly girls...ages 12-24, with a couple stragglers in their 40's...

Spoiler: They all have multiple cats and multiple accounts on eharmony 

This movie isn't good. I don't understand why so many girls go ape shit crazy when it's on TV. The only time in my life I have ever wanted to watch The Notebook when I'm feeling sad over a dude, so yes, only emotionally unstable me wants to watch this garbage...that should tell you how great it is.


5. The best times were before they actually got together

In the movie, James Garner plays an older gentleman who is telling a woman  in a nursing home a story about two youngsters who fall in love (back in the day when people said youngsters, mind you). As the movie progresses, we find out that the story he is telling is their story, and he tells the story to make her remember him and their life together...and oh yeah, she has Alzheimers.

Alzheimers for the old timers!*

*I'm not making fun of people with alzheimers! It's a horrible disease.

The thing that worries me is that this couple obviously got married and had children, yada yada yada...but the story he tells is the one where they fall in love, are torn apart, and finally get back together.Yeah, there's the "passion" and obviously it's a pretty important event in their life together...but shouldn't old Noah be getting her to remember their actual life together? Their wedding day? The birth of their children? Buying their first home together? NOT THAT THEY BANGED WHEN IT WAS RAINING!

Is it awkward for anyone else that she is still
wearing her engagement ring to ANOTHER GUY?

Which get's me thinking...was this their prime? Is old Noah telling this story because this is the only part he wants to remember? Don't get me wrong, we all hold onto the past...but come on! When telling a story about how you and your wife got together, talking about all the crazy tequila filled nights crying yourself to sleep and having sex with random women should not be on the agenda.

Take note Mr. Mosby

This gets me to thinking that perhaps after Allie choose Noah and they had a tearful, happy embrace...they then were like "Shit, what do we do now?" The passion is over, and so is the GOOD  part of the story. Now, I'm not saying that is necessarily true, since they were together so long and old Noah is trying desperately for his wife to remember, but it still makes me wonder.

4. So yes, this movie is depressing.

The thing about Alzheimers is that even if the patient does remember, they're going to forget again. It's a horrible disease. So of course maybe for a brief moment Allie will remember that she loves this old man who visits her everyday, but then just like that she will forget again. This isn't a way to live for either Allie or Noah, who again, only lives in his memories.

AKA WHEN I HAD HAIR!!!!

So sure, they had this amazing love story, but really what's the point if you can't remember? There is no point...your life doesn't matter once you don't have the memories. There is nothing left for them to do except die, and their memories die with them.

Unless there is a middle aged guy out there
to write about it and make the $$$$
...there always is

AND THAT'S WHY THE NOTEBOOK DEPRESSES THE SHIT OUT OF ME!

3. Wait? She didn't choose the guy who was actually stable?

Okay, I know panties will drop just at the mention of Ryan Gosling...but really? You ladies don't swoon after James Marsden's character, Lon? He's rich, an officer (and a gentleman), a lawyer, charming, handsome...

Goodbye panties!

 Not to mention he is emotionally stable and somewhat sensible. Sure, he does all the right things (in the movie universe) when he finds out about her and Noah. You know, driving down in a jealous rage and even suggesting he beat the shit out of him.

Or, ya know, optic blasting them...whatever works

However, he expects Allie to make the choice, because since he loves her too, he knows that what she wants is what's best for her. He lets her go, something Noah couldn't do. And you can bet your fucking ass that when Allie leaves him, he doesn't cry like a little bitch for 10 years, growing a ridiculous beard, building their dream house hoping that she'll one day come back to him.

Emotionally unstable men...so romantic.

2. Noah doesn't exist

Can I please just ask you something? Do you really think that a guy like Noah exists? A guy who is so devoted to his girl, that he wastes what could be his prime pining after her. A guy who writes letters to her everyday for a year. A guy who is actually somewhat of a nut job if you really think about it (he did almost kill himself just for a date with her). 

But damn, wouldn't that be a great premise for a dating show?

Noah is romantic and absolutely balls-over-deep devoted to Allie. We all want this guy to exist...but I think we all know that he doesn't. This gives us unrealistic expectations to our men, so NO WONDER we complain all the time about guys and how stupid they are. If I see one more tweet about how "I wish there was a Noah out there for me" my mind will explode. I mean, at least pick a romance that actually makes sense, showing some actual sacrifice and deep shit, like my dream movie romance...

Frodo and Sam take a close second

1. Nicholas Sparks wants your money

I love to hate Nicholas Sparks. I mean, the guy churns out the same story every couple years yet he still makes millions of dollars from both the book and movie versions. Nights in Rodanthe, Dear John, The Lucky One, The Last Song...all books about two people falling in love, and either lies, death, separation, war, etc. will tear them apart...but we leave knowing that true love does exist. Or something like that. Oh, and all these books were turned into movies and made big $$$$$.

They're all really corny too. I saw The Lucky One and...well, let's just say that a theater full of gal pals having a night out (including my own companions), old middle aged ladies, and one bald guy sitting by himself did NOT appreciate me laughing out loud at some of the "romantic lines".... "You should be kissed every day, every hour, of every minute" is that the best you can come up with? That doesn't even make sense...and I can think of multiple scenarios where that wouldn't be a great idea.

"Zefron, please  ...I am pooping!"

So no, I don't think The Notebook is the greatest romantic movie ever, because it thrives off of cliches and is the basis for all the other romantic melodramas of the past decade. 

So yes, thank you Nicholas Sparks for brainwashing hormonal teenage girls into thinking there is a man out there who is like Noah. It's almost as bad as Stephenie Meyer letting us believe there is an Edward out there for all of us.

Because who doesn't want a creepy stalker who damns you to a life of
soulless immorality

Now, if you disagree with what I'm saying and "OMG! GREATEST LOVE STORY OF ALL TIME! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!" I'll give you some recommendations for romanctic (or romantic elements) of movies I think are actually worthy:

5 Alternate Romance Movies for the Notebook