July 10, 2011

Thanks a lot Stephenie Meyer (Random thoughts on the Eclipse movie)

Wow, I'm really slow on my movie watching. Didn't this movie come out a year ago? Anyways, I still haven't seen it. That is until tonight! It was on HBO and I decided why the hell not? You see, I'm not exactly a twihard but I don't particularly hate Twilight either. I used to be obssesed, but thankfully I haven't been a big fan since my freshman year of high school. I say thankfully because it is actually really disturbing how obssesed some people are with it...yet somehow I understand. It's pretty bad, however I don't regret liking Twilight. It was a phase and now I have moved on to better things...even vampire related things...

...yeah, I occasionally read vampire books. I read a lot of Anna Rice last summer. This summer I have been reading The Southern Vampire Series aka the books that TruBlood is based off of. It's pretty good. I'm not saying that is is great literature or anything. However, I will say it is your better than average paranormal fantasy. So pretty much, it's just nice fluff to tide me over until A Dance with Dragons comes out (July 12. OMG two days.) aka the highly anticipated fifth book of George R. R Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire series aka the series based off of HBO's Game of Thrones. Aka the series I have already talked about in The Greatest Member of the Fellowship. Dammit! I always get sidetracked with this shit. Back to Twilight.

Like I said, I don't particularly like Twlight but I'm not a hater...well, I'm not making any promises on what I will and will not say. So, I finally watched Eclipse and as I did so, I typed on my phone  the random thoughts that came into my head or whatever. Now, I have to actually edit it because I got a hell of a lotta auto correct. I know all the characters by the way, so I won't be taking liberties for those who aren't in the know.

  • Do the dudes wear lip stick? I couldn't decide if it was the make-up on their face that made their lips look extra pink or if they actually had on some Maybelline. Hmm.
I made this myself.

  • Edward is a 100 year old virgin. Bullshit. Ok, either get with modern times or GO HOME. I don't believe for a second that Edward is that pure. Sure, he may not want to ruin the virtue of some innocent girl like Bella, but c'mon! I'm sure Emmet or Jasper got him a prostitute some time or another so he could get some action...like in Benjamin Button...almost same time period, right? They would be bad brothers if they didn't.

Thanks for upstaging my photoshop skills.
Oh shit, 107? Wow. That is sad.

Also, it's really kind of sad that Bella can't get her boyfriend to have sex with her. And saying "Just try" with uncomfortable music playing REALLY could confuse someone who is watching out of context. Edward wants to keep both their virtue in tact (yeah, REAL subtle Stephenie Meyer) because "its the one rule" he "wants to leave unbroken"...

...yeah that's not the only thing that's going to remain unbroken. OHHHH ZING! 10 points to me.

  • They're teenagers: ..isnt it possible that Bella could go to college and forget about Edward and Jacob? BUT IT'S TRUE LOVE! yeah, ok.
  • I didn't see it in Theaters... But I managed to figure out all the parts that the audience would be laughing at, due to Twilight inside jokes and lines with pauses afterwards. I laughed a lot...but not at those parts...

  • Rosalie knows what's up: She is the ONLY sane one. I agree with her completely. Bella is sacrificing her whole human life to be with Edward. It's not romantic...at all. I can see why she dislikes Bella...I would too. But no, Bella is meant to be a vampire...so no regrets, right?
"I'm an 'ex-wife'"

  • I thought Dakota Fanning was supposed to be a good actress? WTH IS THIS? I don't even like her and I'm still dissapointed.

  • They REALLY like Muse: I do too...but I'm lying if I say that the movies haven't ruined them for me. They have at least one song in every movie. I'm not trying to be all "Wow, I used to listen to Muse...until they became too popular"...but I can't blast Supermassive Black Hole (the way it's meant to be listened to) anymore without looking like a Twilight geek. Totally ruined my street cred...if I had actually had one. Except, that baseball scene with that song is my favorite scene in Twlight...so the feelings aren't TOO harsh.
I love them.

  • Pronouncing Carlisle Name: This is a fun one. I say it like Carls- Isle...as in Carls Island. However, I pronounce everything wrong. I believe it is sactually upposed to be Carl-lyle...I dunno. It's a weird name...I love it.

Laural, if you're reading this think "Jeremy...Jeremy"
  • That awkward moment when you have the sex talk with your dad named Charlie and then you give him the thumbs while saying "I'm still a virgin": This made me more uncomfortable than watching the lesbian sex scene in Black Swan with my dad, grandma, and pastor. That didn't actually happen because I don't go to church and I don't have a living grandma, but if it did, this scene would have still been 10 times worse.
"Happy Birthday....I bought you some birth control."
  • I sometimes use my dog the same way Bella used Jacob in the tent: That sounds creepy... but I swear it's not. Dogs are good space heaters when one is cold.

  • Once you go supe you never go back: Classic in paranormal fantasy. One would think Bella should get away from the Vamps and Weres, unfortunately, this is impossible in the genre. Everyone digs that shit.
I needed this somewhere.

  • Why didn't the Indian wife just cut her shoulder like Bella? The same thing would have happened and she wouldn't have died. Classic Fool of a Took moment.
Damn straight.

  • Shit goes down in Seattle: Good job Stephenie Meyer. You finally got one thing about the Pacific Northwest right...the abundance of serial killers. What with Ridgeway, Bundy, Yates Jr., bigfoot, ect. we are breeding ground for killers. Naturally, with the lack of sunshine people get seasonal affective disorder (my dad has it...yikes)becoming depressed and crazy. Plus, there is no lack of trees to hide bodies and people do weird shit all the time here. I'm no regular on Criminal Minds but I think I'm on to something here. So, hecka murders in Seattle by vampires are like the norm, right? Exactly.
He did what?

  • In a twist worthy of 24, Edward and Jacob become lovers and have a forbidden romance (because a Vamp and a Were together is a no-no) so SM can make MORE money with a spin off: I was thinking about this when they were having a bro moment in the tent. I'm sure fan fiction people have already made this happen. At least Bella would get what she deserves.

Yup. I'm not the only one thinking this.

  • Why Shouldn't I go on a suicide mission? "Kiss me": Okayyyy? Is that what that whole scene was saying? Because I was very confused.
I believe in the movie there was snow on the

  • I feel bad for the Quileutes: The real ones...because remember, there is an actually a reservation. Seriously, thanks Stephenie Meyer. They probably get asked if they are werewolves and shit all the time.
#1 result when I typed in Quileute...
  • WHY WOULD THEY ISOLATE THEMSELVES ON A MOUNTAIN? Because obviously, they are going to regret it.
Or not.

  • Teenagers getting married? I didn't realize that the setting changed to West Virgina...wait, nope...it hasn't. It's not like they're brother and sister or anything. Thanks for another GRAND idea Stephenie Meyer.
Ahead of it's time.

  • Bella wears flannel (northwest stereotypes): One thing that always bothered me about Stephenie Meyer, is that she had never been to the Northwest until AFTER she wrote Twilight. So, pretty much everything she got was secondary info. It wasn't like she was saying crap like everyone hikes on their days off and it rains a lot. Oh wait. SHE DID. Yeah, it rains a lot in Forks, but now the classic "how's the rain in that corner of a hell hole that you call home?" question has become a lot more annoying. Nothing on coffee or hipsters though...aka the true stereotypes. Anyways, in the movie I noticed Bella and others wore a lot of flannel shirts...SO, GRUNGE MAN. The 90's ended 11 years ago. Kurt Cobain died 17 years ago. IT'S OVER. I'm kidding, I realize that flannel shirts are cool now a days. Why else would they sell them at American Eagle and Hollister? I just thought they may have thrown it in our faces a little too much...or maybe I'm just paranoid.
In a surprise twist...I think he
is super hot. It's the Flannel

  • Bella's dad drinks the same beer as my dad: Rainer. Classic. Northwest. OMG THAT MEANS EDWARD WOULD TOTALLY DATE ME!
That looks suspiciously like Washington...

  • I actually think Robert Pattinson is hot: Yeah, I'm not really ashamed to admit it. I think he is very attractive. Some people won't admit it and others really don't think it. I gettit, not your cup of english tea. Do I think he is a good actor? No. Do I think he is a nice smile? Definitely. I also like him as a person (not Edward or Cedric dammit!), or I suppose from what I have read in interviews and articles. Now, if he would only drop Kristen Stewart...

  • The ginger would be the villain: Fun fact, villain is propbably the hardest word for me to spell. I have to use google to make sure I am spelling it right...everytime. Anyways, ginger villain...what up with that? Like, is gingerism in the school and workplace not enough? Were centuries of persecution in Europe not enough (I may have just bullshitted that)? You have to make the bad person a ginger! Also, she isn't even scary. What the hell is this? If anything is terrifying in this movie, it's Kstew's acting ability.
Spaghetti and meatballs...WITH BLOOD

  • Why did I ever have a crush on Edward? He is super creepy and possesive.

  • Bella has Jacob on the hook: Ever seen that episode of How I met Your Mother when the topic is having people "on the hook"? Yeah, well Jacob is soooo on the hook. Bella is succchh a bitch too. Why do they even like her? I know people ask that a lot, followed by a "because they should totally be with me. I don't care who. I'm team Take What I can Get." She really isn't that special...or is she? I don't know...the books confused me because we were in her head THE WHOLE TIME. Also, I dont know what's worse. Trying to get a girl admit that she loves you and she refuses. Or girl admits she loves you but it won't change anything. Ouch.
It's even worse if you're on the Captain Hook

  • Probably 70% is moody teenage angst: That's an approximate calculation. I actually got depressed watching this...stupid teenagers. It made me go check in the mirror for pimples and check my phone to see if I had texts...so I could make sure I was loved. I'm not.
They scare the living shit out of me as well,
My Chemical Romance
That's a woolly lot of angst

  • Why are vampires and werewolves ALWAYS enemies?
I did a nice google search to answer my question. Take it away Yahoo! Answers:

"Well, fiction writers try to make it so: Vampires = half bat/half human. Werewolves = half wolf [belongs to the canine or dog family of animals]/half human. Bats could fly, wolves just run on the ground. They don't bother each other in real life. Writers are just trying to fool with your mind."

"You know, I seriously need to get these memos. *pout*

Historically and mythologically they weren't enemies, in fact, some of the myths tend to bleed into each other. (See: Dracula transforming into a wolf, or varied myth about werewolves being a vampires guardian in the daytime.)
Modern real vampires, as in people who feed of human blood and energy, as well as modern werewolves who practise mental or astral shifting, if any, or simply feel as if they are "part" wolf (no, I am not talking about furries), tend to get on very well, in my experience. In fact, I have a friend who is a sanguinarian vampire (blood-drinker) and is married to a were-wolf, has been for six years, and they are very happy.
(Seriously, I have never seen them fight.)"

and my personal favorite

"vamp-wolf beef is cooler than east coast-west coast beef"

Thanks for clearing that up?

  • The filming is really jerky: I think this was an attempt to be edgy. Or they need a bigger budget.
It's actually the same movie

  • Why protect Bella so much? Why not? Halfway through the movie I began to seriously question why they were all so intent upon helping Bella. Just let the bitch die! But then I realized, the have hundreds if not thousands of years to live... so why the hell not? What else are ya doing? That was my conclusion.
Now it all makes sense.

Other Random Thoughts:

  • Did they just walk across Puget Sound?

  • I wish I could punch off a person's head like they were a porcelian doll

  • Aren't the were's naked when they change back? Nice shorts.
  • Jacob screaming reminds me of Gollum

  • Mariners plaque. Nioce.

I tallied the number of times the werewolves were shirtless in a scene. Total count: 9

Ok, this was much more negative than I anticipated. Maybe Twlight does suck. No pun intended.

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