September 4, 2011

Watching Titanic: A Run Down of the Most Succesful Film of All Time?

Ahh Titanic. The movie to beat all movies. I can't really say much that hasn't already been said. It's the king of all films. The blockbuster of our lifetime. The greatest love story of all time (I can't even type that with a straight face). I can't really explain the greatness of this film...and critics be damned, this movie IS great. The dialouge sucks...the plot is, let's be honest, depressingly unnoriginal...but Titanic is something special. It is dear to my heart, and makes me cry everytime.

For me, Titanic shows that a movie so worn and watched can still warrant some movie magic. I never have gotten tired of this movie. It's long and cliched but it brings something special that I can't describe. And for that very reason, I cannot just endlessly talk about how everytime I go on a ferry, to the airport (what?), or listen to Shania Twain's "Your Still the One" , I think of Titanic.

I find this to mean that Titanic is exactly what it is known to be: a pop culture phenomenom. Say what you will, but you can't escape TITANIC. Ever.

1997...the year where we realized there was no
turning back

Anyways, I am watching Titanic. The whole thing, because like a shooting star or Dane Cook actually being funny, being able to catch the entire movie on T.V is a rare, rare occurance. I decided to pull an Eclipse on y'all because my inner dialouge would allow for nothing less.

Chapter I: Bill Paxton's Sweaters...

and a peirced ear? He is the real hearthrob of the movie. That man. I tell you.

That picture never gets old.

Also, did anyone else also notice he and Rose's grand-daughter had some sexual tension throughout the entire thing? They shot each other knowing looks, and the chemistry...oh man, they totally banged each other.

Chapter II: Billy Zane is my Hero

I like Cal. I'm sure that makes me a douche, but he is so classy. I realize he is the antoganist, except I'm fairly certain that role belongs to the giant boat that kills everyone...

Luxury liner...or mass murder? Coincidecne or Conspiracy?

but you have to realize that rich people are messed up...they can't handle the little people and think they're entitled to be gods gift to the world. I feel bad for's not easy being so rich AND having a physical disorder that forces your hair to look like this:

That is a nice middle part.

So, we realize Cal is supposed to be the douche on board and that Bill Paxton is 80 years too young. So, what is a girl to do?

Enter Jack Dawson

First scene: He is smoking a cigarette, playing poker, and saying a smooth line. It's supposed to make him look cool and crafty, but I actually laughed out loud...because I sort of hate Leo.

"She thought I said let's play poker and black jack,
when really I said I want to poke-her with my Jack...
if ya know what I mean."

Chapter III: A Rose always has Thorns.

God damn, Rose is such a bitch...oh my, she is such a SUICIDAL bitch. No, honestly. She treats everyone like crap but then again it is clear she is also clinically depressed. That is all fine and dandy, but I don't think this relationship is a healthy one if she needs happy pills.

Correction: A triple prescription of happy pills

That awkward moment when it looks like you are politely raping someone. Whoo-eee, they really set themselves up for that. It's like an episode of Three's Company. A series of misunderstandings leading to a guy named Jack on top of a girl.

Jack Tripper? Jack Dawson? Really, what's the difference?

Chapter IV: Jack isn't that great of an artist...

FUN FACT: James Cameron actually drew the picture of Rose. So he really does have an inflated ego.


Chapter V:Witty banter?

More like shoot-me-in-the-face-when-will-they-stop-talking-and-start-having-sex-in -the-car-just-make-them-SHUT UP.

This "we're so rich" gimmick is really forced. Jack's wittiness and smooth talking is also wearing a little thin. But holy damn, he can sure make a speech.

"I live under a bridge"

I also just found the greatest two lines.

Cal: "Mr. Dawson led some assistance to my fiancee last night." Yeah he did.
Rose: "Turns out Mr. Dawson is an artist. He showed me some of his work today." Yeah he did.

Two innocent conversation pieces, or two obvious innuendos?

Or foreshadowing? BOOM.

 I take everything back. Jack is so smooth.

See definition: smooth

 Ok, here is where Cal starts showing the crazy (but let's be honest, the moment he said "This Picasso will never amount to anything", we knew) by tossing a table. The maid asks Rose if she's ok and my mom says, surely creating dialouge for the maid:

"It's ok, we all know your fiance's a dick. It's not a secret."

That is quality screenwriting there, mother.

Chapter VI: The shit hits the fan and Jack gets some action

Ok, now it's been established that Rose does not care about status, wealth, respectable marriages, or her family...just Jack. The dude she met a day and a half ago. Nioce. I just love movies that get past cliches and go for a love story I have never seen before...

Yes, the infamous painting scene is upon us! I feel like there is a pickup line somewhere in this...

"Wanna go back to my place? I have some charocal and some
pads of paper. We could make a night of it."

At this point we cut back to old Rose, and this is the reaction of her listeners.

Bill looks a little too thougtful

Chapter VII: Now the good part of the movie

Running away from your fiance's bodyguard througout the entire boat, laughing amusedly (even tough he has a gun), to irish jig inspired music...all ending with a nice shag in the fancy car.

The aftermath.

Oh, I bet they think they're so clever.

Rose poses for a naked portrait, totally giving Cal a figurative kick in the balls...I mean, it IS the necklace he gave her. SLAP IN THE FACE. Then they sneak off, but don't get caught (though, we think they're about to)! Finally, basking in their success by having a victory dance on the main deck, kissing like crazy teenages, because nothing can sto-

*ICEBERG HITS*. The fun is over.

 Chapter VIII: The Boat Sinks Part Deux

Jack gets arrested because bodyguard/hitman/assasin man slipped the giant blue necklace into his pocket. Hilarity ensures and but then the mistunderstanding is resolved, and everyone goes for a drink at the Regal Beagle

Dammit! I did it again.

Trapped again, Billy Zane bitch slaps Kate Winslet. Pimp slap would have done him better, you can still see the defiance in her eyes.

Chewie and Luke avert their eyes

To be perfectly honest, time period and the situation makes this acceptable in my eyes. The girl did screw him over. I would have done done it for lesser reasons...


Everytime Rose axes the cuffs off, there is a little part of me that truly believes she is going to pull a Captain Hook on his ass. I think this happens to everyone.

Shit is getting crazy. The poor people are getting restless, the rich people are getting off. The women and children are lucky bastards. And the rich men are losing honor by squeezing themselves on the lifeboats...I guess. I really don't think ladies first applies when your on a sinking boat in the MIDDLE OF THE MOTHER FUCKING NORTH ATLANTIC.


If she had actually gotten on the lifeboat (the second time, mind you), Jack could have possibly survived...or not. If she hadn't jumped off and been all...romantic, Cal wouldn't have chased them with a gun and they wouldn't have ended up at the bottom of the boat. Of course, then again the movie would have also been an hour shorter...and we know that wasn't going to happen.

"Marco? Po-" BANG

 The music montage showing everyone getting ready to drown/freeze to death, is probably the most emotional of the entire movie. Possibly because we don't get  shitty James Cameron dialouge. Just a nice orchestra performance.

"Lets do this, bitches"

Chapter X: The Boat goes Vertical

At this point:, I'm fairly certain anyone who hasn't seen the movie is starting to believe that these two crazy kids might just make it out of this alive. They wouldn't make such a horrifying experience unless the ending was fairytale happy. Jack and Rose will be together forever!

But like a cruel rule found only in a Saw movie:


 Now, at this point:

I imagine everyone in the theater to be in silence...even when Jack attempts a lighthearted joke. Please, please god...let them survive! I actually still hold on to a glimmer of hope everytime, thinking he might just not become a human popsicle.


Jack dies and the music starts. You realize that you're probably going to be depressed for the rest of the day. I honestly can't imagine what it would have felt like to walk out of the theatre after seeing it for the first time.

Rose sees the Statue of liberty, and gives the name Rose Dawson. Holy shit, I'm about to start crying.
She says how he saved her, in every way possible. And you know what? It's true.

I'm feeling rather emotional at this point.

And Bill Paxton starts crying like a little bitch. Not because the story is so touching, but because he thinks the necklace is lost forever.

Rose drops the necklace (That she had the whole time! deceptive skank!) into the ocean. Finally at peace? Perhaps.

"Bastards got nothing on me"

We see her in bed and the camera pans across all the pictures of her life. This is when the tears really start flowing. She lived her life because her decision to be with Jack. She apparently lived an amazing life, and he was always there. Now, with her story told, she gets to die as an old lady in her bed...just like Jack told her she would. Sobbing.

Then we go underwater to the Titanic, in it's former glory! All the dead people from the boat are welcoming her back. She's finally with Jack again. Que credits and "My Heart Will Go On".

These pictures are getting FANCY

I know I joked a lot about the ridiculousness of this movie...and don't get me wrong, I think it's ridiculous. But I love the much. It touches me deeply. How one man could make such an impact on one woman's long, long life. They were only together for what? a weekend, but she carried him forever. That makes me (an extremely pessimistic person) truly opptimistic about life for some reason, and I think that's why I love Titanic so dearly.

And I don't think my heart will ever go on