March 13, 2012

How off Brand Cable Service tries to get you to watch Sketchy Movies

As I have mentioned before, I have a beach house at an undisclosed location on the Washington coast. Naturally, since it's in the middle of nowhere Hickville, USA, there is nothing remotely name brand about anything.

I don't even think they know that this is wrong
on so many levels.
The cable service is no exception. The service is called Coast Communications, and somebody obviously hates their job and doesn't take it seriously. To be honest, I would hate it too. Especially for shitty movies and sequels. Like how many times can you write a description for a Bring it On movie before you notice a pattern in the plot?

Popular, but scrappy high school girl has to go out of her
comfort zone to get her cheee squad to win in a world where cheerleading
is literally the only thing that exists or matter. That, and theoretically hot guys who
are the exact opposite of her current boyfriend.

For some reason, they really try to butter you up (like popcorn! HA! because it's a movie!) and watch these everything they have to offer. Whether it's through casting, making up the plot, or tricking you into thinking it's a different movie entirely, the have a way with words and influence!

Legends of the Fall

Legends of the Fall is probably the most melodramatic  movie you'll ever watch and this description completely missed the point.

1. It's two brothers fighting over a woman. The first one (who was engaged to said woman) dies in like the first 20 minutes. He has no idea his oldest brother wants his fiancĂ©e. 

In approximately 15 minutes the laughing retard gets mustard gased
and machine gunned. SPOILER opps.
2. It's not really about the woman (SHUT UP, it's ALWAYS about the bitchesss!). It's more about Brad Pitt being all complicated, with long flowing hair, and having a lifelong feud with a bear. 

I love you...haha jk, I'm to complicated and ruined as
a person to love anyone but my dead brother. I will however leave, come back
and marry the farm hand's half blood daughter. BURN

Oh, you thought I was kidding about the bear feud?
And let's be honest, Brad Pitt's hair is always going to be more of an incentive to watch than a lame love square. 

Now you don't even have to watch the movie!

Where the Red Fern Grows

You know people these days are stupid when you think the only way to get them to watch an adaption of a classic book is to use Dave fucking Matthews as bait.  I was on board with this until I got to the last sentence. Classic story, dogs, coming of age, money blah blah blah...all elements for a good movie then: DAVE MATTHEWS...ROCKSTAR GOD!

Wahhh I'm  Dave Matthews and I can sing about
stuff that weird 30 year olds like and I'm a rockstarrrrrr. Siri call me
rock god from now on because I can sinnggggg like a rock god
and I'm Dave Matthews and I'm chill and I like being cool
and blahhhhh blahhh blahhhhh!
Is it obvious I don't know any Dave Matthews songs? Because I honestly don't think I have ever legitimately listened to him (it?)...and I don't mean to sound like a super douche, because I of all people shouldn't be criticizing people's taste in music. 

The Little Mermaid

So I'm sure you read this and thought "What the devil? There is nothing wrong with this description! It has the basic plot down, there are no references to mediocre overated singers, and it doesn't have any stupid afterthoughts. It's a good movie too, one of Disney's best!"

Well, take a closer look my little friends. Any seasoned Disney pro will spot two problems immediately. One, this movie is made in 1992. Disney's was made in 1989 and it's definitely over an hour. SO...


awwww shitttt broooooooo

Apparently, it's a whole different movie entirely about a mermaid named Lena (WTF). It's pretty much the same story, just with different names for the characters. Now, I know some of you so called "literary experts" (aka douchebags who took high school english) are thinking "Uhm...actually The Little Mermaid is based off a fairytale so this is just an adaption of that. Disney has nothing to do with it. Just stupid people like you think they created it and everything else is a knock off. Actually, in the original story she (insert horrific death).Disney just sugar coats it. Take for instan-" 

Blahhhhhh STFU.

I just can't comprehend how some company would make literally the same movie three years after Disney does. Like, do you think you're really going to compete? It took me like five minutes searching google to find some kind of evidence that this movie exists...

And all I found was the foreign language

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Yet another instance where they use a famous person to get you to watch. But they take it one step further. No, you see, just saying George Clooney won't do...they have to describe it as suave, and use fancy words like courtesy 

If only they could get it so he said courtesy in a suave
voice...while taking his clothes off. OH BABY! The money
would be piling in!

A Cinderella Story

Not even the glorious writers of Coast Communications could come up with a description that would do justice for this movie.

Or explain how and why this picture is "just like in a fairytale"
that aint no fairytale, that's a nightmare!

The Fast and the Furious

I'm sorry...but what are these so called movies "Joy Ride" and "Pitch Black"? Like, holy shit, way to get me to want to watch this movie! Because I definitely loved Vin Diesel's wonderful portrayal of a a black man locked in a closet! (or that's at least what I assume the plot is).

Oh wow! It's my favorite scene!

At least they told us to buckle up!

Inglorious Basterds

Okay, they're obviously taking my advice and making it clear that Brad Pitt is in this movie...but really? Is this really the plot of the movie? It's really a mere sub-plot (If that. They really only show them attacking the Nazi's in enemey territory like, once). For some reason, not even my normal Dish service can get this description right. They completely disregard the whole part where the french HBIC decides to burn down her movie theatre, try to kill Christoph Waltz and the Nazi gang, all while getting ready listening to David Bowie. Oh AND getting the creepy German bro to stop trying to get into her pants.

Too many other problems, just shoot him.

Is it so hard to say that "everyone is trying to assassinate Hitler in a movie where Quentin Tarantino attempts to change history " IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! I realize the plot is confusing, but you don't have to completely misguide the watcher just to make it easier for you to write, assholes!

Well, that's all the goods ones. So, as I'm sure Quentin would say...

Until next time! (If I manage to stop being lazy again and write something)

1 comment:

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