July 19, 2012

5 Reasons Hogwarts is secretly the School from Hell

Imagine a world where you can go to boarding school at a posh castle in Scotland, learn magic, and meet friends for a lifetime! If it's anything reading/watching Harry Potter leads you to believe, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft would be the most kick ass school to attend. Of course it sounds cool! Who doesn't want to learn magic and perform jinxes on their friends?

Especially the weak, fat ones...jk Neville, you get your revenge.
 You also are living in a place full of talking pictures, secret rooms, and an unlimited amount of knowledge to uncover about an ancient castle. Bored? Go take a walk on the gorgeous grounds! Lonely? Oh hey, you live in a dorm with four other people and have a common room shared with people just like you! Cold? There are literally fires everywhere! Come to think of it, I should be making a brochure for potential Hogwarts students (fun fact: when I was a freshman in high school I did in fact make a brochure for Hogwarts as a model for a cell in biology).

There's sports too...though only a handful of people will be able to play. Quidditch is not only the "most popular" of wizard sports, it's also literally the only sport in the wizarding world. Of course, even if you don't play, I hear the after win parties are LEGENDARY.

"Dude, I drank wayyyy too much butterbeer last night"

Anyways, Hogwarts sounds great. It's like boarding school on steroids. However, behind the facade of wonder, there are secret horrors at Hogwarts that nobody seems to acknowledge. Sort of like the Chamber of Secrets itself if you think about it. Amirite?

5. So you want to work in corporate? TOO BAD.

The best thing about Hogwarts is that you can take a variety of classes. History of Magic (name says it all), Care of Magical Creatures (name says it all), Transfiguration (turning shit into other shit), Divination (How to become a psychic 101) ...the list goes on! And you know what? Those classes are so practical in the real world too!

"I went to school for seven years just so I could read tarot cards at the county fair"

Yes, you learn cool magical stuff...but what about math and english? Hogwarts students are writing at a 6th grade level. Imagine all the people you know who don't know the difference between "you're and your" or "there, their, and they're" (don't act like you don't bitch about it on twitter, I see you), now multiply that by 100 because they just aren't teaching that shit at Hogwarts.

There are geniuses like Hermione who read the shit out of everything, but if anything Hogwarts taught us, literally nobody else reads except for her. They remind us of this fact approximately every five minutes.

Look at that nerd.

So, they're writing essays for potions or History of Magic, AND NO WONDER Snape hates on the the essay Harry wrote, they obviously suck...because they haven't learned any new writing skills since elementry school.

"He once asked me how to spell 'orange' "
Now I realize nobody sees the point in math, because it is in fact pointless... unless your job require that when you're an adult. But never fear! You won't need math at Hogwarts because after school you're either 1. Working for the goverment or 2. A shop owner 3. A teacher at Hogwarts.

Think about it:

Everyone in the Wizarding World either works for the Ministry of Magic, owns a shop in Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade, a healer (doctor) or is a teacher. Oh, and a sprinkling of professional Quidditch players and some entertainers. Besides that there is nothing else. Lawyers? Nope. Businessmen? Imagine a wizard in a suit. HA! Dentist? Regular brits don't have good teeth, think about british wizards. Enginner? Who needs em? Everyone can do magic! Pilot? Please. Ever heard of broomsticks? Policeman or Military? BITCH WE HAVE AURORS (they're like wizard navy seals...so only the best become one).

Nope, your options are limited in the Wizarding world. So that's why it's great that if worst comes to worse you can use your education to get a job in the muggle world if you have to. OH WAIT.

4. Uhm, racist much?

At Hogwarts students are placed in houses according to their personalities and ambitions in life. This sounds like a reasonable idea, since then you'll be living with like minded people. This also promotes healthy competition because the houses compete in quidditch and house points. You have team spirit and a group to call your family for the entire year.

There are four houses that each have distinct characteristics...I would classify them as:

Gryffindor's are brave and badasses, Ravenclaw's are smart and pretentious assholes, Hufflepuff's are like the friend that no one really likes but no one really dislikes, and you know... Slytherin's are racist.

Wait, what?

Think about it:

Slytherin is a house based entirely upon people who don't like muggle borns. Yes, Slytherins are ambitions and cunning (apparently, Malfoy always seemed like a dumbass). And yes, I'm sure there are some lovely Slytherin's who have hearts of gold. I'm just saying, if you were to bet on anyone to use racial slurs like "mudblood" you just KNOW it's going to be a Slytherin.

And this is what happens when someone tries to stand up
to said racist.

Everyone else at Hogwarts is socially accepting of half-bloods and muggle borns, but to a Slytherin it's like having herpes. In Slytherin you're not going to BE a muggle born, and if you're a half blood it's something to be ashamed of. If this was real life, it would be like having one "house" with only white people...and all the other "houses" with a mix of races and ethnicities. Let that sink in, and imagine how that would feel at a school in the 21st century.

3. You'll get fat

Have you ever seen the spread at Howarts? I'm talking treacle tart, pumpkin juice, shepherds pie, chips, kippers, toast, rolls, black pudding, steak and kidney pie, yorkshire pudding, potatoes, spotted dick (yes, I laugh everytime. No, I still have no idea what it actually is), custard. These options and plenty more heavy weird British stuff is avaliable to the students of Hogwarts for three meals a day.

Oh, that's what it is.

Think about it:

There's no salad or "healthy options" like you see in American schools. You are eating 10,000 calories a day and YOU'LL LIKE IT. Sure, you can control portions and everything, but who would when you have THIS to enjoy.

"Eat up little piggies...yeah, that'll make you pretty" - Hagrid

They also don't work out or get virtually any excercise. Maybe British wizards have high metabolism or something? Perhaps walking across the castle for class is all the workout you need? Either way, there is no after school soccer practice or working out at the Y inbetween classes. The only sport you can play is quidditch, which is sitting on a broomstick...so no cardiovascular health benefits for you, Harry.

2. Let's live in the Stone Age, Mates!

At Hogwarts there is no possibilty of technology. Apparently, all the magic and shit gets in the way of radio signals and virtually anything else that makes modern technology possible. The only way to connect with the outside world is through owl post. Hogwarts sounds awesome until you realize you can't tweet about what a dick Snape is when he fails you on the Potions quiz.

If only there were another way for Hermione to vent her
feelings on "fake ass bitches"...instead she'll just have to poison them

Now the wizards don't know what they're even missing since they have always lived this way and duh, they can do magic! But don't you think that if they knew that they could just send a quick email instead of waiting two days for the owl to make it there in back?

Think about it:

Sirius probably would still be alive if Harry had a cell phone to text him something like, "Hey brah, Voldemort didn't nab u did he?". If the communication was more modern a lot of problems could be solved. They're living centuries behind the times...forget email, they don't even have telephones!

To be honest, it's actually quite ignorant of the wizards. You tell a wizard about airplanes and they're like "WTF IS THIS SHIT?" they don't understand how planes work. Don't get me wrong, I still have no idea how they work but at least I know there is something scientific about it, or whatever. To wizards it defies logic...like the world being round and not flat.

"Yeah, what the hell is up with that?"

They are making no advancements in their world...and if you can't improve, you're in the dark ages. Societies flourish with new learning...Hogwarts has been pulling the same bag of tricks since Godric and the Gang first built it. In 100 years normal society will have jet packs and the wizarding world will still be stuck on the ground...


1. They endorse Slavery

Not to go all S.P.E.W on your asses, but Hogwarts has an underground (literally underground) slave network. The house elves who work in the kitchens and clean the castle at night. They don't get paid and wear rags. Granted, the house elves like it this way and only a few seem to want to be free...but really Hogwarts? You have slaves. Let's call a spade a spade.

Slavery, racism, obesity, no technological advancment, and
horrible job opportunities. Hogwarts, you are a gem.

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