April 2, 2012

Famous Last Words: 10 Great Movie Deaths

Like always, I was thinking about Sean Bean. More specifically, how he always seems to die in movies. Sometimes he's the tragic hero...a lot of times he is the villain. Either way, you know he's going to die somehow. Well, quite frankly my mere mortal friends... people die. Even in movies! Nooooo. Sometimes it's the bad guys, sometimes it's the good guys. You're either going to love a death, hate it, or be indifferent (in which case you're a monster! My god, somebody died!)

#10  Alan Rickman - Die Hard

"What is it you said to me before? Yippie-ki-yay motherfucker?"


But seriously, if that was your reaction GTFO

Die Hard is personally my favorite Christmas movie of all time. It really captures the holiday spirit. Bruce Willis in a tank top, a dash of terrorism, and explosions.

"Look mommy, is that Santa?"

All good family fun. The best part, however, has to be Hans Gruber  and his wonderful death. Bruce Willis will not be denied being badass, so he shoots Snape in the chest. But oh no, it's not over yet!

Hans grabs on to Bruce Willis's blonde  wife and almost takes her out the window with him. But of course, the bad guy can't win, so he ends up being pulled down by a little guy named gravity.

"OHHH GRAVITY is working against me"

and Hans is no longer Gruber.

# 9 Tristan- Legends of the Fall

"It was a good death"

As I briefly mentioned in this post about shitty cable service, Brad Pitt spends the entirety of Legends of the Fall having a weird feud with a bear.

that, and being covered in bitches.

Well I wouldn't say the entire movie. He almost gets killed by the bear at the very beginning. This establishes that he is in fact, a badass. Fast forward two hours and a lifetime later with absolutely no mention of the bear, and old Brad Pitt goes out into the woods...and what do you know? THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING BEARS ATTACKS AND KILLS HIM.

It's crazy.

# 8 Lurtz- The Fellowship of the Ring


As an opening statement, I discussed the love of my life Sean Bean and his many deaths. Well, Lurtz is responsible for one of them. Who is Lurtz, you ask?

This guy...orc...thing...dickface.

He kills Boromir in the last twenty minutes of The Fellowship, and I curse the gods EVERY.SINGLE.TIME
However, his death is avenged when our favorite hero Aragorn comes in and saves the day.

Like always, look at that smug face.

With a little bit of scuffling, some crafty dodging, intimidating growling and a decapitated head later, Lurtz is dead.

Out of all the deaths in The Fellowship, why is this the best? BECAUSE I FUCKING SAY SO.

#7 Matt Damon- The Departed

How could I pick the best death in this movie? There are like five insane killins' in the last ten or so minutes of the 10th most wonderful movie in the world. I had to choose this one because 1. It's Mark Wahlberg getting payback and 2. I hate Matt Damon, so this really cheered me up.

You're so pretty

I don't want to go into detail with this one, because if you haven't seen the movie, I don't want to ruin the surprise.

HAHA just kidding. I do.

# 6 Sword Master- Raiders of the Lost Ark

HAN SHOT FIRST. HAN SHOT FIRRSSTTT. Oh no, wrong Harrison Ford character.

But it's fucking true
 In Raiders of the Lost Ark we see our favorite archaeologist/professor/adventurer/sex god running through the streets of Cairo after the bad guys. At one point, this sword master guy comes out of the woodwork, sword a blazziinnn gettin all fancy and shit.

Indy being Indy, decides he has no time for this bullshit. So instead of getting into what could be known as the greatest fight ever...whip vs. sword, we get sword vs. gun

It was still SO rad.

# 5 Tony- West Side Story

"They won't let us be...we can, we will"

I had a hard time picking which "star crossed lovers" inevitable death I was going to do. I almost did Titanic, but I'm so tired of hearing "I'll never let go" that I couldn't.So I arrived at West Side Story. The love (west side) story of Tony and Maria. He's in the rival gang of her brother's gang.

In musicals, this is what a gang does.

He's European, she's Puerto Rican. He is kind of a babe, she has a terrible terrible fake accent. They met the day before, BUT THEY ARE IN LOVE DAMMIT. But unfourtanetly, after a rumble under the highway, Maria's brother ends up dead...and who did it? TONY

"IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. He ran into my knife...he ran into my knife ten times." 

Anyways, Tony now has a price over his head. The Sharks want him dead. He and Maria decide to runaway together... but then after a complete misunderstanding, Tony thinks Maria is dead (noticing something?). Intent upon not living any longer because the love of his life has been killed, he runs through the streets screaming  "COME AND KILL ME CHINO!!!"...or something to that effect. Of course, Maria is doing the exact same thing...except not screaming like a god damn maniac

He stops, not believing his eyes...there she is, in the flesh. The run to each other, and as he meets her arm, BANG! he gets shot by Chino.

To be fair, he did ask for it.

#4 Black Swan
"I'm Perfect" 

You know the last, say, twenty minutes of Black Swan when everything starts happening really fast in the adrenline pumping show premier where Natalie Portman stabs Mila Kunis, but it's really her because she is crazy? Yeah, I think it is pretty worthy. First of all, we didn't really see it coming because when we found out Mila wasn't really dead, we just assumed that she imagined everything (or at least I did) in that dressing room.

Pre show nap?

Nope. Natalie stabbed herself, but somehow managed to perform a perfect scene...where, guess what? The white swan dies too! She is laying on the matress with everyone (including creepy-sexual-harassment-law-suit-waiting-to-happen-french dance instrutor) applauding her efforts where she utters those lines. Do we know if she actually died? Who knows! It's better that way because we can see that her obsession with being perfect drove her to death- whether literal or symbolically is up to the viewer.

# 3 Joker Magic Trick- The Dark Knight

"I will make this pencil... disappear" 

So, in the I'm assuming we have all seen the Dark Knight. If you haven't, there is something so wrong with you...so wrong, that I don't think I could even diagnose it.

Just kidding, it's Syphilis. BECAUSE YOU ARE CRAZY.

Anyways. Like all the mobsters who are trying to take down the godamn batman, we at first aren't taking The Joker as seriously as we should. He is a clown after all, and...

He's the guy who sang some Frankie Valli...COME ON! 

At one point, being the crazy mofo he is, the Joker asks if the lads want to see a magic trick. They're like "no, this is bullshit" and one guy approaches him (because he left his pencil in second period and needed a new one. damn!) and BAM! The pencil has disappeared...into his head...

# 2 The Princess Bride

"You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha..."

Ah yes. What a classic scene. A favorite among Princess Bride purists and non purists alike! I actually take his advice quite seriously...whenever I play risk I refuse to try and control Asia. And that my friends, is why I have won almost every game of risk I have ever played.

Weak. Everyone knows you get Africa and South America, then
let everyone fight it out and SWOOP in to win it all.
Damn! I gave my strategy away!

Why is this scene so great? Well, the death is so realistic. I mean, how they captured a man laughing and then so forcefully stopping while falling stiffly over was amazing. I actually am quite concerned they practiced it on sacrifices to get it just right. They may have actually killed him because it was so WELL DONE.

You should get a best actor award. 

No, actually it's just entertaining. The stakes are high in this battle of wits. The Man in Black/The Dread Pirate Roberts/Westley is so cool and collected, while Vizzini is a pompous prick. So clever? Maybe the first time. So great? Everytime.

#1 Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid

 "Oh, good. For a moment there I thought we were in trouble"

As you know, this is my favorite movie of all time. I said why in my first post... one reason being the ending. I cannot even explain it. Out of any movie scene, this one has stuck with me as pure awesomeness. Hell, I have the movie poster showing it above my bed. Yes, it's really, really creepy that I enjoy the death of two of Hollywood's former studs. But I don't enjoy it because they die, I just thought it was the perfect ending.

Look familiar?

The way it's executed is just classy as hell. Butch and Sundance had a good run while it lasted, so time for one last shoot out. Of course, they are unaware that the Bolivian military has assembled itself outside ready to put holes in them. The duo reloads, run out without a moments hesitation, and then the frames freezes...and all we hear is the firing of hundreds of Bolivian guns. I just stare at the screen speechless, unsure how I should react.

I love that movie.

No comments:

Post a Comment