October 29, 2011

10 Worst Movie Sequels Punishable BY DEATH

Movie sequels are up there with Hitler. No...what am I saying? Of course that's not true.

They're worse.

Raise your arm to the BRING IT ON MOVIES

What makes a sequel so much worse than your average shitty movie? Well, if the first movie wasn't that good in the first place, whatever...you're just a Twilight movie. However, if the first movie was fantastic, then you're at risk for ruining EVERYTHING. I am...spiritual about my movies. I watch them, feel good (or bad if it's something depressing), get a movie high, and am feeling the love. Then, a sequel comes out! Great! I'm so excited to see what happens next to my favorite characters-OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?

Not only is the sequel ruined, the first movie is ruined as well. 

Just stop making sequels please. Because, unless your name is Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones, Jason Bourne, or Batman (in certain cases). You CANNOT make a sequel...unless you want to die.

10. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

Here's the deal with Indiana Jones. The first movie is wonderful, the second is shit, and the third is decent. .

But really, this movie sucks balls. I'm sorry if that's too crude for the likes of you, but I'm not kidding. The only redeeming part is Shortround. And when your only source of entertainment in a movie is a slightly racist interpretation...

well then you know that things are getting desperate.

Of course, that stupid blonde skank is really what ruins it. You know, she really is Steven Speilberg's wife...so this is an actual case of sleeping with the director. Oh, and we can't forget about the taking out heart sacrifice ritual.

This shit is real

Method of punishment
Maybe we'll pull YOUR hearts, George Lucas and Steven Speilberg. Yeah, think about that.

9. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde

Why was this movie made? It is a complete nose dive from the first one. At least the original was somewhat...original. This one went into that sad territory that sequels go in when they have to make inside jokes about the first movie. Mainly, pink. Yes, pink. They make pink jokes and have people dance like dogs.

I'll take degrading for... PINK, Alex
HAHAHAHAHA see this is so funny.

I love the first movie. It's a classic in the chick flick genre, this one should have gone straight to Lifetime. Except Lifetime is to good for this pink colored shit.

I cant believe there is actually a Google search for this.

Method of Punishment
Elle Woods is forced to join the Night Watch.

Black 4 lyfe in the night's watch BABY!
that would also force Elle to befriend Jon Snow...
life isn't fair

8. Men in Black II
This movie is just STUPID. I remember seeing it in theaters thinking it was SO good. OF course, I was also eight and my favorite movie was The Mummy...so my taste level wasn't that great.

Who am I kidding? My taste level was awesome.

The plot is so lame and it lacks the mind blowing ending from the first one. You know what I'm talking about. That part at the end where it shows how our universe is like a marble in this game of marbles aliens are playing inside a giant dream with Leo  pulling the strings...or something like that.

Not king of the world...king of the universe
Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones are gems, so I won't hate them too much for this. But they better make MIB III good...I have hope.

Method of Punishment
Just use the memory stick thing to delete our memories of this stinker.

And force Will Smith to keep that hairstyle FOREVER

7. The Godfather Part III
This one is sort of controversial. By itself, it's a pretty decent movie. It's not bad, some would defend it to say it is worthy of the first two...but it's not.

The Godfather Part I and II are considered two of the greatest movies ever made. Then you have the Godfather Part III...the loser little brother. It's like the difference between Boromir and Faramir. The younger one is kind of cool...not too bad, but the older one is such a stud, the little brother can't help but be a disappointment.

Yeah, I went there

First off, they choose not to cast Robert Duvall because he wanted a higher salary REALLY? You're going to make the third installment of what could have been the greatest movie trilogy EVER and you decide to be a cheap ass and not give the good man his money. AND THEN they lost Winona Ryder as Al Pacino's daughter, so they cast the director's daughter. This is what screwed them. It could have been good...so good, but it ended up being just OK.

and honestly, the being "just OK" makes it worse than if it had just been a bad movie.

Method of Punishment

Just shoot Sofia Coppola or something, and then make the movie again but with Winona. And then change the plot and then....hell, just don't make the movie


6. Transformers 2
The first Transformers kind of was...well, a really bad movie. But at least it was entertaining and somewhat of a cool idea. We loved it for awhile...Megan Fox was deemed foxy, and Shia "the beef" ALMOST stopped being that guy from Even Stevens.

Then  the second movie came out...and it was bad. I kind of wanted to shoot myself because I really I DON'T CARE. I can't even remember the plot. All I know is that Optimus Prime died and I cried, but I can't remember why it was sad or why I cared. Because I don't, and you shouldn't either.  This is the only way we can stop Transformers from taking over the world as the "big" movie franchise of our time.

and they use Megan Fox as propaganda.
Method of Punishment
Force everyone involved in these movies to watch the hypothetical (please, god...make it only be hypothetical) sequel to Transformers: Dark (side?) of the Moon called Transformers: Magical Tour.

"Maybe if we take out a word they won't make the connection"

5. Spiderman 3

This is another one of those instances where the first two movies were beautiful, and then the third makes me (and the entire population) considerer destroying the world so we don't have live in a place where this movie exists.

The first two were SO good. The second one was better than the first. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN EVERYDAY. Why did they have to make such an awful movie. The plot was stupid, James Franco died...but those things weren't the point of no return, oh no...

I don't think they could ever bounce back from this one
but Tobey's hips sure did.

Method of Punishment

Ahh, Spidey wins again

4. The Phantom Menace
These days all you have to say is the words Jar Jar Binks and people run screaming. So Episode I isn't a sequel...it's a prequel, but that almost makes it worse.  How does one even mess up a prequel? A sequel you have make up a whole new story. But with a prequel you have the basic information and you just have to elaborate.

It should have been easy.

But I guess it wasn't, because instead we got one of the most disappointing movie sequels EVER.  I havn't even seen episodes II and III because I gouged my eyes out after watching The Phantom Menance. The only reason I know what even happens is because the Anakin is the hero of the kid I babysit (I fear for his future, TBH) and because I play Lego Star Wars. You know you're f*ucked when the video game is better than the actual movie.

Unfortunatly, this is the exception to the Liam Neeson golden rule. Come on, they had him, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, and Samuel L. "I'm tired of these mother- f*^king snakes" Jackson and the movie was STILL bad. How? I don't think we'll know exactly what went wrong.

Method of Punishment 
Put all the prequel characters forward in time (or a long long time ago?) onto Alderan and let the Death Star do it's magic. If that means we have to sacrifice Luke and Leia for ACTUAL movies, so be it. We still have Han and Chewie.

I realize this plan has it's flaws

3. Grease 2
 Fun fact, Grease 2 was meant to be the second movie in a Grease franchise. You know what happened to change that?
this fuck
It's pretty much the same movie over again but with Michelle Pfeiffer as the bad girl and that australian guy (OMG HE'S SANDY'S COUSIN) as the little bitch who rides a motorcycle.

Oh, and they have the T-Birds 2.0. Oh, and there is a song about having sex because they're doing it for our great country. Oh, and there's a lu'au at the end...

...and this happens.

 Needless to say, they nixed the whole "let's make a movie franchise outta this" when this movie 
came out.
Method of Punishment
 Being associated with that movie is punishment enough.

2. Pocahontas 2: Journey to a New World
The only one on the list that went straight to DVD! The thing about this movie is that I watch the first one....and then somehow I get tricked into wanthing to watch the second one, just so I can see what happens next (it ends on such a CLIFFHANGER).

Matrix, Circ de soleil, icarus reinactment
so many jokes to make, but can't articulate!

I don't even know where to start. The horrible puns (and I love a good pun) via Captain John Smith? The fact that Pocahontas ends up with John Rolfe? Look, I know in real life she did shack up with Poppa Tabacco, so they're being "historically accurate". Except not...like at all. If you're going to all of a sudden try to follow history, ACTUALLY DO IT and stop pussy footin' around.

 John Rolfe: the reason you smoke tobackkyy.
thanks man.

Method of Punishment

Pocahontas get's smallpox and doesn't make it to a third movie.

It's sad because it actually happened.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean II: Dead Man's Chest

This one is very, very personal to me. My soul has been destroyed by this movie.
Let me tell you story...about a little girl named Tori. Her favorite movie was Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. It was flawless and beautiful, and she had seen it many, many times. Fast forward to the sequel coming out. Oh boy! The little girl's dad got tickets for the midnight premiere and the two went, hopeful for the sure to be fantastic movie. And it was fantastic! Everything was great, what a sequel should be.


The thing that probably bothered me the most was how the "happy ending" of the first one (Orlando and Kiera get together, dad says "Are you sure you want to marry him? He's only a blacksmith"..."No he's a pirate." YES, SO GOOD. and then "Get me some bad eggs" CLASSIC) and they shit all over that. Suddenly there's more supernatural stuff that makes the plot crazy. Orlando and Kiera don't get their happy ending... oh, and apparently she is now a master swordsman? Then Captain Jack is suddenly boring and lame, without ANY charm. AND THEN Orlando's dad is apparently alive but still sort of dead?

Way to ruin the mystery of the "dead dad I never knew" device.

Everything about this movie ruined the awesomeness of the first one for me. The magic was gone. The tinglies were non existent. I couldn't watch Curse of the Black Pearl the same way again. It used to be my go to movie, now I can barely watch it because of how horribly it has been tainted.

Method of Punishment

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